Where the Green Grass Grows

Day 9: Front Door

2012-02-09T17:13:00.000-06:00

The Front Door!

The front door with Christmas lights behind it! Oooo!

Day 8: Sun

2012-02-08T20:44:00.001-06:00

So, I forgot to take a picture of the actual sun today. So, here's a picture of a sun, drawn by my son!

Yes, the Sun has arms and legs.
No, I don't know what the scribbles in the top right corner are.
And, yes, I might have helped him with the rays.

Day 7: Buttons

2012-02-07T19:48:00.000-06:00

Some of my favorite and most-used buttons!

Remote Start Button (Very important for a night shifter!)

Kindle Buttons (Also very important for a night shifter!)

My old school iPod buttons!

Buttons on my husband's shirt

Asher's Belly Button

Nick's Belly Button (he wouldn't let me take an actual picture of it!)

Remote control buttons

Camera Buttons!

Phone Buttons

MacBook Power Button

Day 6: Dinner

2012-02-06T20:05:00.001-06:00

"I'm so handsome!"

"I don't always have wine with my chicken nuggets, but when I do, I drink a whole box. Then Mommy takes a picture and posts it on her blog!" *

*Not really wine!

"Cheers!"

"Red, red wine, you make me feel so fine!"*

*Again, not really wine.

My dinner. We all ate different things tonight to try and finish up leftovers.

Day 5: 10am

2012-02-05T16:50:00.000-06:00

Being a night-shifter, my 10am looked something like this:

This is a recreation, as I didn't have anyone to sneak in and take my picture at 10am, but this is pretty much right. Ignore the mismatched sheets and comforter.

Day 4: A Stranger

2012-02-04T22:34:00.002-06:00

I don't know this guy, but I love his cat!

Day 3: Hands

2012-02-03T19:52:00.000-06:00

Day 2: Words

2012-02-02T09:43:00.000-06:00

The bulletin board in the play room. We've been working on a letter per week. This week's is "K"!

Photo a Day February-Day 1

2012-02-01T21:19:00.000-06:00

I know quite a few bloggers participating in this this month, so I thought I'd join along (one of them is my Mom. She's awesome and insightful and will probably be way more interesting to follow this month than I will be. Check her out HERE!)

I know it's been long time, no blog around here and I'm sorry. I can't really guarantee that after this month it will get any better, but at least for awhile you'll all be graced by my blog presence. *eye roll*

So, for Day 1: My View Today

If I were to take a picture of my view for most of the afternoon, it would be my feet in a recliner with How I Met Your Mother on the tv. That's not very exciting. Neither is looking at the neighbor's houses if I were to take a picture of my outdoor view. So, this was my view this evening:

Nick and Asher doing school while I did dishes

And my Latte, favorite cat (don't tell the others).

2011-10-16T21:03:00.003-05:00

Wow.

It's been almost 4 months since I've written on here.

I sign in daily and read the blogs I follow. I look at that "last posted on" date and think to myself, "Huh. I should maybe do something about that." Then, I don't. I read the blogs, sign out, and go on about my day.

Truth is, I feel like there's nothing to say. I mean, sure, there's a lot going on, but does it even interest anyone?

We're at a standstill, infertility-wise. Not agreeing on the next step= no next step until an agreement can be made.

The funny thing is, the world keeps going on. While I'm sitting here watching everyone I know move on with their lives, I feel like I'm stuck. As I see more and more pregnancy announcements in real life and on facebook, it hardly affects me any more, just a shrug of the shoulders, and a vague memory of when that would send me headlong into tears and a pity party. While that sounds like it might be a good thing, "Oh! You're dealing with it! You're moving forward!" I'm not sure that's the case. I think it's more a numbness that has moved in. A defense mechanism, really. What is a body to do when assaulted regularly by reminders of something it has fought tooth and nail to do only to fail over and over again? Shut down. Not let it affect you. Don't give any time to that darkness that threatens to creep in. Throw yourself into something else.

What have I been re-routing my efforts into, you ask? Well, almost 9 weeks ago, we got a foster placement. A two-week-old baby was placed with us temporarily while the foster family she was supposed to go to got their licensure straightened out. She is a sweet, sweet baby. She is a cuddle-bug, and is starting to sleep longer at night--a fact for which we are very thankful. Everyone one in our family loves her.

Anyway, long story short, what was supposed to be a 3-4 week placement has turned into "Maybe she will be moved there by the end of October. Maybe." Don't get me wrong, we love having her. If they asked me right now, "Hey! You want to keep her?" I'd look at them like they'd grown a second head and say, "Duh!" However, since we know she is going elsewhere, I wish they would hurry up and get it done. The longer she is with us, the more it will really suck when she leaves.

You know the worst part? Seeing how much Nick loves her. I watch him with her and see how he lights up when she smiles at him. I see how he talks to her and cuddles her and sleeps with her next to him on the couch and it breaks my heart. My sorrow is twofold: First, she will be leaving soon. What is it going to do to him when she leaves? How will he react when he realizes that his best friend's baby is the same age as she is? They were born a day apart, and he is going to watch her grow up and remember daily that she isn't with us any more.

Second, he is experiencing with her something I may never be able to give him. I may never get to see him cuddle and coo and smile at a baby that we know won't be moved elsewhere. I may never get to watch him as he learns the ins and outs of newborn care with a baby that looks like us.

The whole situation dredges up feelings that I always try to bury. Why can crack-heads, child-abusers, and every other person who has no business having children have baby after baby with no problem, when no amount of work on my part can get it done? Sometimes, it actually feels like a physical pain. It's like seeing her with him tears open, again and again, the wound that is trying to heal from a miscarriage and nearly 5 years of infertility.

Let me make clear that I don't blame her for any of this. None of this is her fault. We have been blessed to take care of her and help her in the part of her life where she's been the most helpless and required the most work. While I know she won't remember us, I hope she grows up to be a healthy, well-adjusted woman partly because of the care we have given her.

So, there you have it. A long blog-absence, and an explanation for part of it.

One Year

2011-06-24T02:45:00.000-05:00

It occured to me last week that we were coming up on the "anniversary" of finding out we'd miscarried. I wasn't for sure of the actual date, but the 24th was sticking in my head for some reason. So, I went back in my blog and sure enough, today's the day. It's actually not as difficult as my would-be due date was. I think I'll be able to avoid the water works today, which is more than could be said of January 17th.

Mostly, today just makes me angry. It's been a year since I've been pregnant. I've done 5 medicated cycles and had a few on my own and we can't seem to get the job done again. We got pregnant on our first femara/follistim cycle (and even got it done without the assitance of an IUI!). We've since done 3 IUIs and 2 not-IUIs (one against medical advice...hehehe), yet my body won't cooperate. It makes me wonder if we "missed" our chance. I mean, were those 10+ weeks the only pregnancy I will ever know? I sincerely hope not. I always had the hope that I'd be pregnant by the due date to take the sting away from it a bit. When that didn't happen, I set my sights on getting pregnant to be due around the due date next year. Didn't happen. Now, everything just feels hopeless. I've got an empty (and evidently stupid) uterus and nothing to show for my 4 1/2 years of infertility except a medical bill file 6 inches thick.

Yet, it seems we're coming to a crossroads. My RE clinic doesn't do GIFT. In fact, the nurse I spoke with said most clinics are getting away from doing it because they've gotten so good at IVF that it's not worth the extra risk of general anesthesia required to do it. (If you don't know what GIFT is, click here.) I'm sure there are places to do it, as it is the only assited reproduction techonology past an IUI that's "ok" for Catholics to do (or for those who have insurance chosen for them by Catholics, like people who work for the hospital I work at...luckily, I have Nick's insurance.). The issue is, I work 40 hours a week of night shift. It's hard enough to get to Iowa City (about 2 hours away) for appointments when I'm cycling, I can't even imagine if I have to go 3+ hours away because I need to do something not offered closer to home. I don't know what to do.

I also talked to Nick about embryo adoption, which he said he'd think about. I've always thought it was a super cool idea and I read a couple of blogs of people who have done it. Obviously, I'd love to have a child that is biologically mine and Nick's. I don't want it to seem like adopted children are second class citizens or sub-par to biological children (remember, I have an adopted child and adopted siblings and one of my best friends was adopted...I'm all about it!), but I have a very deep desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth and be able to say to people "She has Nick's ears!" or "I totally have a freckle there, too!" It just seems like I may not get to see that desire fulfilled. If I have to see one more negative pregnancy test (accompanied by the look of hurt and disappointment in my husband's eyes) or hear Asher tell me "it will be ok, Mama" as I cry into my cereal bowl, I think I'll freak out.

Why can't this just be easy?

2011-06-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

Another negative.

We had the best count for an IUI we've ever had and I still couldn't get it done.

We're at the end of the IUI road.

We need to figure out our next steps. IVF isn't what we want to do.

Does anyone know anything about GIFT?

Update

2011-05-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

Ah...the obligatory "So Much for That Cycle" post. Although, it did end with some amusement...and if it had been a tv show or a movie, I would have laughed. Being as it is my life, all it got was a sarcastic chuckle.

It went down something like this:

Everyone in the world who knew the situation: When are you going to test?
Me: Well, since I don't really know when or if I ovulated, I'm thinking of just waiting it out until my period shows up.
Everyone else: Oh. Well, what cycle day are you on?
Me: Um...*counts using a calendar* 30something
Everyone: Oh! You should totally test! I bet you're pregnant.
Me: Yeah. Doubt it.

Finally, I decided I'd test on CD 35. So, last Friday morning, I pee in the cup (because I'm not coordinated enough to pee on the actual stick) and dip it. Then, guess what? Blood. The pee was quite literally still wet on the stick and my period started. What are the odds? I want my $8 back.

(On a side note, seeing the blood actually helped my reaction to the BFN. I don't know why.)

So, a spur of the moment trip to Iowa City was in order for a baseline ultrasound. Nick called in "taking my wife to the doctor" and we headed out. I was a little worried that with my reaction to the meds last cycle, I'd have some cysts and we'd have to take a cycle off, but everything was fine. I charmed the ultrasound tech and student with my humor and wit, we had a few laughs about my stupid left ovary and I went to see the nurse.

At this point in the story, I learn something about reproductive endocrinology that every doctor, nurse and physician's assistant has failed to mention to me. After 3-4 "combo" cycles (meaning a combination of pills and injections, i.e. femara and follistim) your chances of pregnancy actually decrease! Guess what cycle this is for us on our combo? 6! 6! Granted, they mentioned IVF to me at the beginning of my 4th cycle, but it was mentioned in passing like "hey, you might want to start thinking about this." No one ever said to me, "Did you know that from here on out, your (already small) chances of getting pregnant are going to become even smaller?" I might have liked to have been informed of that even before we started! I would have done fewer timed cycles and more IUIs. I would have already moved on to IVF perhaps and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now! ARGH!

Anyway, this was going to be our last cycle before moving on anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it ruining my plans. We've started (or continued) our talks about IVF and it all seems so surreal. Call me naive, but I never really pictured us getting this far. I imagined much less intervention to be required, but obviously my imagination is far more grand than actual life. The fact that, in a few months I could be blogging about an egg retrieval, daily calls about our embryos, and embryo transfers is comepletely strange to me. Part of me also feels bad that I've kind of resigned myself to this cycle not working. I kind of wish, if they weren't going to tell me at the get-go about my chances decreasing, they hadn't told me at all. Now I just feel like the whole thing is hopeless. *sigh*

So, I've started my femara and Thursday I start my follistim. I go Monday afternoon for my CD 11 monitoring. This whole cycle is further complicated by the fact that they're closed Memorial Day weekend. So, we have to get our IUI in no later than the 27th, as they're closed Saturday, Sunday and Monday. (I've got to get myself a job like that!) Hopefully, the timing will all work out alright.

Sorry I've been so boring on here recently. I feel like I'm just on repeat: period started, insemination, BFN. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I sincerely hope that changes soon.

Random Post

2011-04-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

First of all, thanks to all of you who gave your input on my situation! The overwhelming majority of the people I asked took the Nike route and said, "Just do it!" So, we shall wait and see how it all shakes out. We've been bathing the situation in prayer and I know God is in control.

On a related note, you should check out my mom's blog post about the "selective reduction" situation here. My mom pretty much rocks more than your mom. I'm just sayin'.

Also, I don't think I mentioned previously that my sister had her baby on the 6th. She's pretty much as cute as any child could be that doesn't share blood with me. Here's a few pictures if you're interested:

Samantha Jolynn (aka Sammi Jo)
Born April 6
7# 7oz
19 3/4"

This is her with my sister, Kayla the day after she was born.

Sammi with her daddy (my brother in law Ryan)

Nick and Asher holding her when she was a few days old. Asher really did like her despite how he looks.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at almost a week old.

Asher and my other niece (Sammi's sister Jayla) taking over Sammi's stuff.

A Cancelled Cycle

2011-04-21T01:35:00.000-05:00

Long time, no post. I know.

Today is cycle day 14. I went for my baseline ultrasound CD 4 (due to a work/weekend issue and not being able to make it cd 1, 2 or 3) and left with a slightly tweaked medication regimen. I returned to the clinic on Monday (CD 11), but the 3 follicles that were dominant weren't big enough yet, so I made an appointment for Wednesday (CD 13). I got my favorite ultrasound tech and we got down to follicle-scanning business. I had a 20, 17, 16, 15 and 2 14mm follicles between my two ovaries.

***Pause here for a reproductive endocrinology lesson for those of you confused about the above paragraph.***

A mature follicle is considered anything 18mm and above. Follicles usually grow about 2mm per day. My trigger shot I take causes ovulation about 36 hours after taking it. Therefore, any follicles 14mm and above have the possibility of being 18mm at ovulation and, therefore popping off when I ovulate.

Got it? Good.

***Resume regularly-scheduled blog post.***

When the nurse came in the room, she said she was concerned with the amount of follicles I had 14mm and above. (At this point, I only knew about the 20, 17 and 16. The 15 and 14's hadn't registered with me.) She showed me the paper and said that I had a total of 5 that could drop after the trigger shot and how did I feel about selective reduction?

I was floored. Never in my life did I ever picture anyone saying the phrase "selective reduction" to me, yet there I sat, stumbling over some combination of the words "uh," "um," and "no." What I really wanted was to say to her, "Are you asking me if I'd be willing to kill one of the children than I worked so hard for? Are you on dope?" She said the doctor was tied up in ultrasound, but he'd be in to talk to me in a little while. She offered me the tv remote (after scribbling "would NOT reduce" on the aforementioned paper) and went on her merry way.

So, I wrote a series of texts to Nick, which I then forwarded to my mom. Both of them responded with some variety of "Are they on dope?!" I killed the time checking facebook and playing scrabble on my phone while I waited for what seemed like forever for the doctor to come in.

Finally, he came in and basically said, "We're cancelling this cycle because there's too many follicles and we don't want you to end up with high order multiples." I made it a point to tell him that I had 3 last cycle and none of them took. I really wanted him to just say, "Well, you're probably right, lets do it!" But instead I got, "I've seen patients like you who aren't pregnant after a lot of cycles and we get a cycle like this and boom, we have twins, triplets, or whatever, so I really don't feel comfortable going forward." I asked him if the follicles would go on their own anyway and he said yes. Then he started talking abstinance, condoms, the whole she-bang. (My inner monologue went something like "Abstinance? When I got married I really hoped people would stop using that word. Condoms suck. Who are you? The bedroom police?! Is your Russian self going to be there with a black light to be sure there was no exchange of fluids?") He shook my hand and left, saying he hoped to see me under better circumstances at a later date (did I mention I'd never even seen this guy before? There has to be a million doctors in this practice!).

I cried some (hopefully) quiet tears and texted my mom and Nick and waited for the nurse to come in. She came in and reiterated about the abstinance and condoms and was sure to tell me that sperm can live for up to 4 days. She apologized and told me to call when my period started and we'd start over.

Obviously, we're both disappointed. I've spent quite a bit on meds this cycle (although, I think I must have hit some sort of pharmaceutical deductible or something because it was cheaper than previous cycles), not to mention the gas money *insert mumbling about gas prices,* 12 hours I've spent driving back and forth to appointments and 4ish hours I've spent AT the actual appointments in the last 2 weeks. The whole thing is enough to make me want to sit in the corner and cry. I'd like to host a pity party about people who reproduce for free and will never have to hear someone say they're "cancelling your cycle." That really seems like something only God should be able to say, doesn't it? However, I'm slowly getting over it.

I do want to ask you all this, however: what would you do? According to doctor's orders, we shouldn't be unprotected (Although, he didn't specify for how long. I coud feign ignorance.), yet part of me really wants to just throw caution to the wind and see how it all shakes out. On one hand I know that God controls the sperm and eggs (that's nothing like ham and eggs) and can do what he wants. I mean, if sperm live for 4 days, who's to say previous sperm aren't waiting there for the eggs to pop even now? I'm fully convinced He is in control of how many (if any) children we conceive and birth together, so why would this be any exception? However, a small part of me thinks that God put the doctors in our lives for a reason and maybe I should listen to them. I mean, yeah, last cycle I ovulated 3 eggs and got nothing out of it, so odds are pretty good that all 5 eggs wouldn't pop off, fertilize and implant. But, what if they did? I obviously wouldn't selectively reduce *shudder*, but how bad would I feel if I had to deal with losing one or more of my children all because I didn't listen to the doctor? In the grand scheme of things, is waiting one cycle to try again that big of a deal? Not really.

Am I still leaning toward taking no special precaution and letting God be God? Yeah, I am.

I really do want all of your opinions, though.

Another Negative...

2011-04-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

I actually tested on Sunday afternoon (12dpo) and got a negative. However, I kept up my progesterone supplements until I tested this morning and got another negative. I told Nick when we woke up this morning, "Nothing like stress and anguish first thing in the morning." At least today we were expecting a negative. I had myself a little too invested in this cycle, I think. I mean, I had definitely 2 eggs, with the possibility of a 3rd and we had a decent sperm count AND they got to take the easy route, why wouldn't it work? We were both excited to test Sunday, and I knew it would be bad if it was negative. I peed in the cup, dipped it and got in the shower (I told Nick today that I'm pretty sure I've peed in more solo cups than I've drank out of).

The worst thing EVER is seeing Nick examine it so closely looking for any semblance of a line. He'll hold it in every light possible and turn it like he's looking at a precious diamond. The look on his face when he can't even imagine a line there just breaks my heart.

Anyway, I used my last progesterone supplement last night, so hopefully my period will arrive in a few days. We've decided to try one more IUI before moving on to IVF, since I know quite a few people for whom the third time was the charm. Hopefully, we'll be in that group, too. Now, if it will just arrive at a time that's conducive to a trip to Iowa City...

We Have Insemination!

2011-03-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

We had our IUI today!

At my cycle day 11 appointment on Friday, I had a 16mm and 14mm on the right and a 13mm and 12mm on the left. They had us come again on Sunday for a follicle check, and after some work and babysitting finagling, we left right after I got off work on Sunday morning and headed to Iowa City. At that time, the two on my right had grown to 19mm and 18mm and the left ones were 16 and 14. So, we triggered at 10pm Sunday night and were to report to the Advanced Reproductive Lab at 8am on Tuesday before a 10am IUI.

We had our IUI and headed home. We decided to stop for lunch at Biaggi's which was DELICIOUS!!!! Now, I'm feeling a little crampy and sore, but hopefully my ibuprofen will kick in soon. We're praying hard core for at least one baby to meet mid-December. (Of course, that 16 on the left could have decided to pop, too, in which case we could be dealing with 1-3. Eeeek! I'm kind of hoping for no more than 2, quite frankly, but I'll take whatever I can get.)

Now starts the dreaded two week wait. Hopefully it'll go quick and we'll end with good news!

New Cycle

2011-03-12T21:25:00.001-06:00

Well, I finally went back to Iowa City on Thursday to start a new cycle. (The last few months, AF has shown on her own, but at times when it would be impossible to get there CD 1, 2 or 3.) My problematic left ovary was more difficult than usual and the US tech had to call in reinforcements. She grabbed my favorite tech and got pictures within a few minutes. I should just request her all the time. (On a side note, you might be an infertile if you have a favorite ultrasound tech.) Everything looks ok in there, so we're on for a femara/follistim/ovidrel/prometrium cycle. Here's the schedule:

CD 3 (3/10): 5mg Femara
CD 4: 5mg Femara
CD 5: 5mg Femara
CD 6: 5mg Femara
CD 7: 5mg Femara and 100 IU Follistim
CD 8: 150 IU Follistim
CD 9: 150 IU Follistim
CD 10: 150 IU Follistim
CD 11 (3/18): Follicle Check in Iowa City to see where to go from there

At some point after that, I will be giving myself my trigger shots and then going for an IUI. For those of you keeping track at home, this will be our 2nd IUI. It is our 5th cycle using the "big guns" for ovarian stimulation. (That doesn't sound like a lot when you type it, but we also had about a million cycles of straight up femara or clomid before that. All in all, we've been "not preventing" since the day we got married. I count that as more than 4 years of TTC, even if we weren't overtly trying the entire time. Maybe that's not the correct way to measure...I don't know.)

The PA I see said that Nick and I should talk about IVF. I was kind of surprised she was bringing it up already, considering this is "only" our 2nd IUI, but she said that the success rate is obviously much higher with that. Also, she said that while I respond ok to the stimulation meds, we've only gotten one dominant follicle each time (with the exception of the cycle I got pregnant with Blackberry) as opposed to the two they prefer. She asked about my infertility coverage and I told her I know we have it, but I couldn't remember for sure how many cycles of what they cover, but I'd look into it. (8 cycles of IUI and 4 cycles of IVF in my lifetime, in case you were curious.) She said it is something she'd recommend we at least talk about and maybe move toward that if this cycle doesn't "take."

So, needless to say, we've been talking and doing research the last couple of days. I know it is definitely something we'd like to do, but we just want to know more about it and ask a few questions of our clinic and other people who have done it before we jump in with both feet. (Look for a blog post about that soon, probably.)

All in all, I was happy with my visit and I'm hoping I respond well to the tweaked protocol this cycle. I'll be headed back to Iowa City on Friday for my follicle check. If history is any indication, we'll probably be triggering that night then doing an IUI Sunday March 20 (although I'm hoping for triggering Saturday with the IUI Monday because I'm supposed to work next weekend and if I have to go there half the day Sunday after having just worked the night before, I'll probably be calling in sick Sunday night). That places testing for April 3rd or 4th. Hopefully we'll have good news then!

(Also, if you want to read an awesome blog, head here and read my mom's blog! She's awesome and hilarious and you can sometimes hear about me! Enjoy!)

This Started as a Feel-Good Post...Oops...

2011-03-03T15:05:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to mentally write a blog post for a few days now, and it's not really becoming anything solid, so I thought I'd open the "new post" button and see what came out. Maybe I'll hit publish, maybe not. I got as far as opening blogger, then I decided to open iTunes instead and figure out what the P!nk song is that I heard on the radio at work a few nights in a row and download it. Then, I thought to myself, "What else can we download? I like that Katy Perry "Firework" song. Let's do that. I really like Katy Perry." Both songs, I have since learned, have thinly-veiled anti-bullying messages. Funny how you can just sing something mindlessly and not even realize what's going on. Anyway, that turned into seeing what the top 10 songs were on the country, pop and rock charts on iTunes. Did you know that "Don't Stop Believing" is #3 on the rock list? Hilarious.

...ahem...procrastinate much?

Fact is, I legitimately don't know how to form thoughts into words.

I have been struggling recently, I guess. It's mostly an inward struggle as I usually choose to not bring everyone else down with my negative thoughts and random thought trails. It's not that I don't trust the people closest to me to hear what my thoughts are, but part of me is afraid that to externalize my inward struggles will just make them worse. Or worse, my family and friends will agree with me and our worries will compound into a ginormous mess of stress.

The fact is, I don't want to say aloud that I feel like I'm treading water. I feel like my infertility is assaulting me from all directions, but I can't do anything about it. My period has arrived unprovoked 3ish months in a row, yet I can't go to Iowa City to do any treatments because I'm working at least 44 hours per week most weeks. I have to sleep during the day and work at night which leaves roughly no time to hang out with my family for more than a couple of hours at a time, much less go to the doctor multiple times a week. Thinking about this fact proves to only bring me down more. It seems the large majority of people I know don't have to worry about their work schedules when they want to get pregnant. They get the luxury of saying, "Hey, let's have a baby!" They don't have to schedule appointments and have their husbands take personal days so he can get intimate with a specimen cup. They just get to go the route that millions of people before them have gone and most of them have a little bundle of joy to show for it within a year or so.

(Don't even get me started on these people who have baby after baby with no trouble at all. If I see one more 22 year old come in who is on her 6th baby, I can't be held responsible for what happens. I'm going to go on an epic tirade the likes of which Charlie Sheen has never dreamed of!)

But all joking aside, here's my true confession: Sometimes, I feel like God is blind to my suffering. Now, I know, I really do, that that's not true. He cares very much for me and my trials, of that I'm sure. But it's hard to not feel like that. I know it's probably wrong to even think it, even worse to vocalize it (I don't know where typing it is on the continuum).

Recently, as I've been working through my "chronological bible in a year," I've really noticed that God likes to give blessings to people in the form of children. "Oh, Abraham, you rock! Have a son!" While I am by no means comparing myself to Abraham, in the back of my mind, I wonder why He hasn't seen fit to bless us with a child. We've "done everything right," so to speak. Why does He send babies everyone else's way and not to us? To even type it out seems so petty and ridiculous, but it doesn't make my thoughts on the matter change.

But, I internalize it. I don't want to say aloud that seeing my sister's burgeoning baby belly sends a stab to my heart that I sometimes don't think I'll ever recover from. I hesitate to say that it physically hurts when I see pictures on facebook of my friend's kids who were born 10 months apart, or ultrasound pictures from people who I know didn't spend years trying to get to that point or baby pictures from people who make no attempt to hide that they don't even know who the child's father is. Situations like that hurt me in ways that I really don't think will ever be forgotten. But, in the next breath I feel terrible for feeling that way.

This post is admittedly scatter-brained, and for that I apologize. I think it's a symptom of where I'm at in my mind right now. I had really hoped to be "back to normal" by now. I knew I'd hit a speed bump near the due date, but it's been nearly 2 months since then and 9 months since the miscarriage and I still relive it with disturbing regularity.

I'd just like to be "normal."

Infertility, it seems, leaves a swath of damage in its wake that is all-encompassing.

Dear Blackberry

2011-01-17T12:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Blackberry,

Today was your due date. Granted, if you were still with us, you might have already arrived by now, or you might be a stubborn little one and decide to hang around in there for awhile. All that considered, today is the day I've been dreading since that fated day in June when I heard Dr. S say the words, "I'm so sorry, hun, but I don't see a heartbeat." As my world came crashing down in that moment, I knew that January 17th would arrive and I'd be whisked back to that moment over and over again.

Tomorrow is your daddy's birthday, and I know how much he wishes he were sharing it with you. I'm hoping that by tomorrow, I'll be all cried out. I know it's probably not going to happen. You'd think that I'd already have hit that point, but you find surprising ways to pop into my mind. Sometimes, it knocks me on my back with grief. Sometimes, I manage to hold it together and think fondly of the things that might have been. Always, however, it fills me full of wishes.

I wish I knew what went wrong. I wish I could have known what I could do to have stopped you from leaving us. I wish I could walk by the ultrasound department at the hospital I work at without having flashbacks of the "confirmation ultrasound." I wish I could hear other people's pregnancy announcements without crying my eyes out. I wish I had more to show for my 4+ years of infertility than a memorial tattoo on my foot. I wish I were holding you right now instead of writing this blog post. I wish I hadn't run into your ultrasound picture and Asher's "big brother" t-shirt while packing to move into our new house. I wish I could see God's plan in all of this, because I know He has one. I wish that anything anyone could say would make me feel better.

Yet, here I sit...
all wished out...
clutching a box of kleenex...
an empty womb...
and no baby to show for it.

I miss you, my sweet baby. Even though I only "knew" you for 10 weeks and 3 days, I miss you more than words on a screen could ever express. While there may come a time when you don't pop into my head every day, know that you will never be forgotten. Your daddy, brother and I love you and wish you were here with us.

Until we meet again...

Mommy

A Long-Overdue Update!

2010-12-22T11:59:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been forever! I have no real excuse for the lack of updates...just not a lot to say, I guess. We did decide to just break on the trying to conceive front until the new year (and unfortunately the dieting went by the wayside, too. I'm afraid to step on the scale...eeek!). I believe I last posted in mid-October, so I guess we can do a month-by-month update.

October: We decided to put in an offer on a house and it was accepted after many counter-offers!

November: We packed our Operation Christmas Child Box...

And celebrated my 25th birthday...

And took our favorite youth groupers on a mission trip to inner city Chicago...

And put up the Christmas tree at our old house (despite the fact that we'd be moving before Christmas came)...

And photoshopped mustaches, caps and pipes on our cats...

December:

We celebrated our 4th anniversary! Unfortunately, with the move imminent, we weren't able to go out and do anything. Hopefully sometime soon we can do that.

Our house could be found looking like this...

Before the fantastic day that these were snapped...

Now, I pretty much have everything unpacked! We just need to get pictures hung up!

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas...

Mandatory Break Cycle

2010-10-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

Well, my left ovary strikes again. Normally, it's sitting up stupidly high and I have to do all manner of stupid human tricks to enable them to see it on ultrasound. In addition to that, today, the darn thing decided to be even more dumb. I see it on the screen and manage to say, despite my position as a human pretzel, "Is THAT a follicle?! What is it doing there?!" Yes, ladies and germs, I have a big, fat follicle on my left ovary. The same ovary I ovulated out of last cycle. It's not a corpus luteum, because it doesn't light up when they do their magical "light up my ovary like the 4th of July" thing. The tech (who I hadn't met before. Who knew there were techs there I hadn't met?!) didn't think it was a cyst either. So, as I waited for the nurse to call me back for what would usually be my "let's up your follistim" talk, I texted Nick and told him they'd probably cancel it.

Sure enough, my favorite nurse and I talk and when the PA finally calls back, I hear her say that I should take a cycle off. I thought I'd be more upset, but I'm ok. The nurse put her hand on mine and said how sorry she was that this was happening. I told her it was alright, I just wish I hadn't had to drive forever to hear it. We went over the calendar and she told me when to try and time my next cycle to get in before their holiday hours get messed up in December.

Then comes the dilemma. We had planned on this being our last cycle until January to save time and money during the holidays. With 14 siblings, 2 brothers-in-law, 1 niece, and 6 parents (not to mention the 3 of us) to buy for, any money we can save is much appreciated. So, I guess now we need to decide whether we'll try to do another cycle in November/December or not. I had really hoped to be pregnant by the time Blackberry's due date came around, but it doesn't look like that will be happening.

Boy, is January going to suck.

Anyone want to work for me for the entire month of January?

A Letter or Two

2010-10-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Pregnant Facebook Friends Who Are Due Within Days of My Would-Be Due Date:

Please shut up.

I don't want to hear about your baby using your bladder as a trampoline and how inconvenient that is.

I don't want to hear about your cravings.

I don't want to read your weekly "my baby is doing this" updates.

I want to sit and have a pity party.

And you're not invited.

~Krystal

PS~ Idiot 18 year old new mother who was my patient the last two nights:

You're an idiot.

It's not appropriate to ask someone who has just informed you that their only child is adopted whether or not they are able to have children.

Next time, someone may punch you.

They don't want the reminder that stupid 18 year olds can do something with zero effort that they can't do with all the money and medication in the world.

K, thanks.

~Krystal

(I'm in a bad mood. Can you tell?)

I Tested

2010-10-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

...BFN.

It was 1 hour shy of 13dpo. I'd held my pee for 6 hours, so surely it's an accurate result. I'm going to stop my prometrium suppositories. I'll probably test again tomorrow, because I'm a glutton for punishment.

As usual, after trying to just act like it didn't affect me (while I brushed my teeth and Nick tilted the test back and forth trying to see any semblance of a line), I spent the obligatory 10-15 minutes crying over the unfairness of it all. Then, once my sheets and pillowcase were wet from my tears, I decided I was done crying over it for awhile and we went to bed.

Nick wants me to talk to the RE about his count and see if he needs to go back to be seen by the urologist. I just want to up my meds and have 2 eggs! For the love of pete! I think our insurance only covers 7 iui's total, so I guess we need to figure out what we're going to do. I hate to use up all our iui's and have none left if we wanted to try again after having a baby. So, I don't know.

This whole thing really just makes me want to have a pity party and I have to make a conscious effort to not. It's so hard in my line of work when I see stupid 16 year olds having babies and 20 year olds on their third child. I've been trying to get pregnant to varying degrees for almost 4 years! I always wanted a large family, but at this rate, I'll be doing good if I can manage to have a baby in addition to Asher. I know my biological clock isn't ticking or anything, but I don't imagine it's going to get any easier the older I get. If I can't manage to get it done at 21, 22, 23, or 24, what are the odds it's going to be easier at 31, 32, 33, or 34? It's just so easy to get discouraged. Sorry you all have to hear me whine all the time.

I'm Still Here

2010-10-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

I promise I haven't abandoned you all. And I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seat wondering where I am. lol I'm just plugging away with my two week wait. We're currently...uh...11 days post ovulation (I had to look at a calendar, that shows just how chill I'm trying to be about the whole thing). I'll probably test Friday or Saturday. I don't really have a strong feeling either way, although I lean more toward "not pregnant" than "pregnant."

There's nothing symptom-wise. Of course, I felt perfectly normal (save sore breasts, which I attributed to the prometrium suppositories) until like 6w3d with Blackberry, so I probably shouldn't expect any symptoms even if I am pregnant. The only thing that might be worth mentioning is a major TMI, so read with caution. I seem to be having a large amount of discharge. It's clear, so I'm not concerned about infection or anything. I don't know if it's from my prometrium suppositories or what. I've never had it before, but I'd never had the head aches either (those are gone now, btw), so who really knows?

In other news, we're looking to maybe buy a house sometime soon. We currently rent from my grandparents, but would love a place to call our own (not that our current house doesn't feel like home). Also, building some equity would rock. Also, we're still struggling with Asher's potty training. It makes me want to drink. I talked to his pediatrician (who I see at work regularly) today and she gave me some pointers that we will probably try. It can't hurt, right?

Anyhoo, how are all of you doing, dear readers?

A Quick Question for my Knowledgable Readers

2010-10-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

So, I'm taking my Prometrium twice a day, like I've done the last two cycles. Except, this time, I think it's causing me headaches. I started them Sunday and Sunday, Monday and today I've had headaches for at least part of the day. It seems like I've heard of this being an issue, but I can't remember for sure. Also, I just find it odd that I've never had this problem either of the other cycles that I've used it.

Any advice ya'll have would be nice!

Dr.Google and I are Fighting

2010-10-03T01:46:00.001-05:00

So, someone needs to make me stop googling stuff! It only ever proves to freak me out! Ugh!

We had our IUI today. It was a good time overall. Nick got to look at my cervix and inject the stuff himself, which he thoroughly enjoyed. We watched "Glee" on Hulu (for the first time, I might add) in an abandoned waiting room at the clinic while waiting for the lab to get done processing our sample. They gave us a little buzzer thing like you'd get when you go to a restaurant that lit up and buzzed when they were ready for us. The procedure itself was largely painless. Just some mild cramping when she put the catheter in.

I had asked the nurse performing the procedure if she knew how Nick's count and such was. She gave me a piece of paper with all the information on it. (Here's where Dr.Google comes in!) I've been googling for awhile now, and I'm kind of freaked out about it, I guess. Since I know you all are amateur urologists/REs, here's what we're working with (I'm sorry, Honey):

Pre-Wash                                           Post-Wash
Total: 94,850,000                               Total: 6,690,000
Total Motile: 30,150,000                    Total Motile: 5,690,000
Percent Motility: 31.78                        Percent Motility: 85.04
Count: 24,320,000/ml                         Count: 12,630,000
Motile/ml: 7,730,000                          Motile/ml: 10,740,000

So, what concerns me is the motility. According to what I've found, 40% is the lowest in the "normal" range (pre-wash, of course), and we're well below that. And the motile/ml value is "normally" above 8 million. We're only slightly below that, I guess. I read on this blog that they like to have greater than 10 million total sperm in the post-wash sample for an IUI. They'll still do it (obviously), but in a perfect world, that's what they want.

No one mentioned anything about it to us, so they must not be concerned. Also, when we first started seeing the RE, they had Nick go see a urologist. He did 2 analyses on him and said everything looked fine. He did mention a small variocele, but didn't think it warranted surgery at that point. Of course, we were supposed to go back and see him in a year and didn't do it.

I'm just worried (a lot, quite frankly) about the combination of a less than optimal post-wash sperm count and only one follicle. I just feel like it's never going to happen. I mean, for the love of pete, I had TWO follicles and did timed intercourse and got pregnant in April. Why isn't my body cooperating now?! Any info or advice ya'll might have would be greatly appreciated.

(And, Baby, just know that I wouldn't love you any less even if you had no sperm! I'm sorry if having your sperm counts posted online makes you uncomfortable, but, in my defense, you're asleep and not here to give me permission. haha Also, this is what I'm chanting to your boys in my head:

I love you!)

Why Won't My Ovaries Cooperate?!

2010-09-30T16:02:00.000-05:00

I had my CD 11 monitoring appointment today. The cycle we did in April, I had one on each ovary and it resulted in our pregnancy with blackberry. We stimmed for longer, but had to up the follistim a couple of different times. Last cycle, I had one dominant follicle on my right side at my CD 11 monitoring appointment and the one on my left was only 12. They had upped my follistim a little bit in the hopes that I'd have one dominant follicle on each ovary this cycle. However, I only have one 20mm follicle on the left and all the others (one other on my left and 2 on the right)are less than 15! What is the deal?! I can't help but think that if 2 eggs resulted in one baby, my odds with only 1 seem less than great. I know, I know, "it only takes one!" But, still, I'm tired of this whole thing.

Anyway, Nick and I have to be to the RE at 8am on Saturday for the IUI. They said we should bring something to do, since it takes 1 1/2-2 hours after giving the sample for them to process it before we can do the actual procedure. Seriously? They better be infusing it with gold or something for it to take that long! Then, we get the joy of having to transport it to the clinic for the actual IUI. Fun will surely be had by all. Asher will be staying the night at my mom's tomorrow night since we will need to leave at 6am on Saturday to get there. ugh

Some Better Pictures

2010-09-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

A New Addition

2010-09-25T18:23:00.001-05:00

In memory of our beloved blackberry...

Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

CD2~ Baseline Ultrasound

2010-09-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

AF reared her ugly head yesterday morning. I promptly called the RE's office and made an appointment for my baseline. I went this morning and everything looks good. I cracked me up, because I got a new ultrasound tech and I pretty much felt awesome because I knew what to do before she even told me to do it. Also, my pesky left ovary was slightly more agreeable today than usual, so it didn't hurt quite as much when they looked at it.

My protocol is:

CD 3-7~Femara
CD 7-8~ 100IU Follistim
CD 9-10~ 150IU Follistim
CD 11~ Ultrasound (where hopefully we will see a dominant follicle on each ovary as opposed to only one like last cycle)

After that, who knows? Hopefully a trigger shot CD 11, followed by an IUI. We have never done an IUI before, so I'm a little nervous. How much better are my chances with it vs our timed intercourse? Will it hurt?

We looked over the information they gave me about the IUI during supper today (great supper conversation, I know! Hopefully Asher doesn't repeat anything he might have heard! lol), which was quite lovely and informative. They drew blood today to see if I'm immune to rubella (there's a funny story! The nurse, who I love, said, "You must be rubella immune, because they would have checked for that during your last pregnancy." I said, "Well, was I pregnant long enough? I didn't think they tested for that until later in the pregnancy and I only got to 10 weeks." "No, I'm talking about with your son!" "Ummm...he's adopted." LOL). Evidently that's one of the things they have to know before they do the IUI. Who knew?! I also noticed on that paper that it said I needed a pap in the last year, so I wonder if they'll want to do that when I go back next Thursday? The last one I had was January 2009. Should I even mention it? Will they cancel my cycle if they realize? Maybe I should call them tomorrow?

Anyway, I'm hoping this cycle goes smoothly. I'm really tired of seeing pregnant people and pregnancy announcements everywhere I go.

12DPO~ BFN

2010-09-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

*insert sad face here*

I guess I was hoping, since it worked so well last time, we'd get our positive this time, too. But, no such luck. I don't know if I should blame the lack of 2 dominant follicles or what. Do we go for IUI next cycle? Do we keep at it old school? These questions (and more, no doubt) I don't know the answer to.

The only thing I DO know is that it shouldn't be this difficult.

I also know that I have no less than a million pregnant facebook friends, and the number seems to grow daily.

It's getting really old.

I also know that I wish I were 22 weeks pregnant right now instead of preparing to cry over yet another bfn.

2010-09-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

I believe I ovulated this morning. Can you guess what's on my mind?

Swim, boys, swim! Stop and ask directions, if need be!

CD 11 Monitoring Appointment

2010-09-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

I went to the RE today. My lovely mother was nice enough to play chauffeur for me, as I worked last night and didn't think it advisable to drive a 4 hour round trip on no sleep. I expected they'd to the ultrasound and tell me I needed to come back tomorrow or Friday to check again. Imagine how surprised I was when I immediately saw a big, fat follie on my right ovary and the tech said, "That one's ready to go!" Of course, my left ovary decided it was going to be it's stupid self and play hard to get. It hurts like you wouldn't believe when they ultrasound that thing! Wowzers! Anyway, there's a 13mm one on that ovary that I am praying decides to grow in the next day or so and also release. Last cycle (the cycle we got pregnant with blackberry), I had one on each ovary, so only having one kind of worries me, but I know it's all under control. The nurse talked to the RE who said I should trigger tonight and...ahem...plan accordingly. I was shocked! It was cd 14 last time before I was even ready to trigger, so the 3 day difference is puzzling to me. Hopefully, all will be well.

Day 30~ My Hopes For the Future

2010-08-30T19:54:00.001-05:00

Isn't this pretty much like yesterday's topic? Oh well.

My hope for the future is simple: to raise a godly family. All my other mini goals or hopes I might have can be encompassed in that one goal. I want to close my eyes for the last time knowing that I gave God and my family my all.

I want my husband to feel blessed by my having been in his life for however many years we're given together. That sounds like I want him to think I'm awesome, but its more than that. I want my life to show him the love of Jesus in all I do. I don't do a good job of it now, but I hope to improve in the future. I want him to feel that his life is better for having shared it with me.

I want my children (whether I have one or five) to grow into godly men and women as a result of spending their formative years with me. Whatever they choose to do with their lives, I pray they'll do it as if they're doing it for Christ, because ultimately, they are. I pray they will meet and marry godly spouses and raise godly children, and the cycle will continue.

Basically, I want to leave a godly legacy. If that's the "only" thing I ever accomplish in my life, I will still be blessed beyond what I deserve. God was merciful enough to send His only Son to Earth for me, the least I can do is devote my years here to ensuring, as best I can, that my family knows Him.
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 29~My Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Next Year

2010-08-29T20:57:00.001-05:00

Well, I'd say, obviously, having a baby (or at least getting pregnant) is high on my list of hopes for the next year. We'd be 20 weeks tomorrow if we hadn't miscarried, and that thought makes me sad. I should be running around with a decent baby belly instead of shooting myself with needles and taking pills every day. I sincerely hope that we're pregnant by the time our due date for blackberry comes.

Another hope is that our first year of homeschooling will have gone smoothly. I'm decently nervous, but I have no doubt this is what God wants for our family. I know he will empower us to do a good job. Plus, I figure it's preschool, how much damage can I do? Haha!

I hope to grow closer to God in the next year, also. I feel like I've been kind of distant recently, which I know is all me and not any of His fault. Doing the Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study really made me want to know Him and portray Him in everything I do.

In addition, I'd love to grow even closer to Nick and Asher. I think we have a pretty decent relationship, but sometimes we have periods of discontent. Maybe it's usual for a family with a 3 year old. I have no idea. I treasure our times together, especially when everyone's happy and in a good mood. Our weekend has been a perfect blend of family time and couple time and I love it. In our family, when mom and dad are happy, everyone is happy. I'd love to have more times like that.

Sorry if this post is scatter-brained. I'm writing it on my blackberry while riding in the car. The radio is on and people are talking, so its hard to concentrate! Lol! I can't believe tomorrow is the last day of the 30 day blog journal! And I managed to do every topic (as long as nothing keeps me from tomorrow's!)!
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

Off Topic: A Link to an Awesome Blog Post

2010-08-29T08:40:00.000-05:00

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/08/why-just-relax-is-still-not-helpful-advice-in-the-world-of-infertility/

As a person who despises being told to "just relax," this blog post rocks my socks off! If you're infertile, read it. If you've ever had trouble getting pregnant, read it. If you've ever told someone who was having trouble getting pregnant to "just relax," please, for the love of all things holy, stop it!, then read it.

Thanks. ; )

Day 28~The Contents of My Purse

2010-08-28T15:12:00.000-05:00

Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 27~ My Worst Habit

2010-08-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

What makes you think I have bad habits? hmmm... ; )

Probably my worst habit is eating too much or just eating crap. I do really well dieting and points counting for awhile, then I sit and eat a not-good-for-you Subway sandwich and a snickers bar. Ahem, like I just did. I like to eat, and it's really kind of a problem

Also, I tend to be grumpy when I've slept all day between work nights (like today). I'll think I'm fine when I get up, then my boys get home and I turn into some sort of troll. I'm not sure why. It's not too great, though.

Day 26~ My Week in Great Detail

2010-08-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm certainly not going to go in as great of detail as I did for yesterday's post. It would take forever! ugh!

Sunday~ I worked all night, came home, ate while surfing the net, went to bed when the boys left for breakfast/church, got up about 4:30, took a shower, sent the boys off to church/youth group, went to Taco Bell, took my food to work, got changed into my scrubs, ate my food, clocked in, and worked.

Monday~ I worked all night, went home, ate a bowl of cereal while messing around on the computer, made an RE appointment, took a nap, took a shower, got Asher from my grandma, watched "Olivia" with him, took him potty, put him down for his nap, ate lunch, watched tv, dozed on the couch, got him up from his nap, took us both potty, gave him a snack, waited for Nick to get home, had supper with Nick, hung out as a family, did the bedtime routine, watched some TV with the hubs (I don't remember what it was), brushed teeth, and went to bed.

Tuesday~ Got up, got Ash up, took us both potty, ate breakfast with the boys, sent Nick off to work, hung out with Ash while surfing on the computer, took him potty a million times, took a shower, got dressed, kissed Nick when he came home around 12:20, drove to the RE, had my lady bits ultrasounded, waited for the nurse, talked to the nurse about my meds for this cycle, went to the pharmacy and waited for an hour while doing my final day of homework on my Beth Moore study, lost my parking ticket/stub thingy, got my meds, paid $15 dollars to get out of the parking garage since I lost my tickety stub, drove toward home, stopped at HyVee for groceries, got home, made supper while hanging out with Asher, did the bedtime routine, put Ash to bed, ate supper with Nick while watching "The Back-Up Plan," brushed teeth and went to bed.

Wednesday~ See yesterday's post

Thursday~ Slept in a little (since I have to work tonight) while Nick showered and got Ash up and pottied, got up, got dressed, started a load of laundry, went into town with Nick and Ash so we could retrieve the other car from the mechanic, talked to my father in law who we saw at the mechanic's shop, took Nick to work since the mechanic had forgotten to change the oil in the car, came home, took Ash potty, took a shower, got dressed, cleaned off the top of my dresser (which I hadn't done in FOREVER!), took Ash potty, got out the computer and started messing around, switched the laundry, folded a load of laundry, put away said laundry, started writing this post, took Ash potty, finished this post. The rest of my day will include many potty trips, lunch, naps for both Ash and I (I find I'm less tired at work if I sleep in than if I get up like normal then nap when he does, but my grandma's out of town, so I couldn't do that as usual today.), making supper (chicken, I think), then going to work.

Friday~ I will work all night, go home (or maybe to the Y to work out or walk, I haven't decided), eat a bowl of cereal while surfing, go to sleep, get up to pee, go back to sleep, get up around 4, shower, get dressed, eat supper with the boys, send them to my brother's football game, and go to work.

Saturday~ I'll work all night (sounding familiar, right?), go to Target for a wedding present, come home, eat a bowl of cereal while surfing (lol! I'm a creature of habit.), go to sleep, get up around 12:30, shower, get dressed, put Ash down for his nap, hang with Nick/doze on the couch (only sleeping 3 or 4 hours in the morning after working all night makes it hard to be super alert the rest of the day), get ready to go to the wedding, hand Ash off to Nick's parents, go to the wedding and reception, come home and go to bed.

It's all quite exciting. LOL

Day 25~ My Day in Great Detail

2010-08-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

I woke up slightly ahead of 6:30, having had a very strange dream. I decided to go ahead and get up, since my alarm was set for 6:30, anyway. I kissed Nick, grabbed my phone, and left our bedroom. I grabbed my clothes off the dining room table (where I'd placed them last night), went to the bathroom, got dressed, put my hair in a ponytail and left the bathroom. I grabbed a pop out of the fridge, microwaved a Weight Watchers breakfast sandwich (being careful to stop the microwave before it beeped), then, went back in my room to kiss Nick again (what can I say? I like him a lot!) and to grab my bluetooth headset.

I left a little ahead of 6:45 and drove the 30ish minutes to work, where I talked to a coworker while waiting to clock in for our monthly unit meeting. I sat through an hour and a half of a really "informative" meeting, then clocked out. I talked to Nick while I drove the 2 minutes to Walmart, where I bought the non-perishable items that I'd been unable to get at HyVee on the way home from my RE appointment Tuesday. What did I buy? Hmmm...pull ups, overnight diapers, a birthday gift for my little brother who will be 4 next week, contact solution for Nick, 2 boxes of brownie mix, brown sugar, chocolate chips, toffee chips, a pair of pjs for Asher that were on clearance, a shower curtain liner, ritz crackers and saltine crackers. After that, I drove home, stopping at my grandma's to pick up Asher on my way.

Ash and I came home, I grabbed the mac and checked facebook and blogs and other sites while he played and watched Nick Jr. I took him potty. I did my bible reading on my blackberry. I fought sleep. I took Asher potty. I took a shower. I got dressed. I took Asher potty. I played more on the computer. I took Asher potty. I made brownies and a cheese ball for bible study. I took him potty. I talked to Nick on the phone. I made Asher lunch and cleaned up while he ate. I ate a bowl of cereal. I gave him a Popsicle. I took him in his room, put a new pair of shorts on him (because, for some reason, he doesn't like to sleep without pants on), turned on his sound machine, turned his air conditioner on fan, sang him "Jesus Loves Me," and put him to bed.

I went to the living room, turned on Grey's Anatomy for background noise, and started looking at our preschool curriculum. I made a document that basically equates to blank calendar pages that I can use to schedule each trimester. I emailed the document to Nick, so he could print it as we don't have a printer at home. I also submitted the picture of Asher standing on his box of books to the people who make our curriculum for a contest or something they're having. He's so stinking cute. Finally, I started getting tired, so I put everything away and decided to take a short snooze on the couch in the hour that was left of Ash's nap. I switched the tv to HGTV, because Grey's was over and I despise Wife Swap.

At 4:30, Ash woke up, we went potty together and I cut him a brownie. I watched the dvd of our Beth Moore bible study that I'd missed a few weeks ago. I stopped partway through to take Asher potty and talk to Nick on the phone. I fought with him when he wouldn't stop being obnoxious. When my dvd was done, I plugged in the computer, changed my shirt, took him potty, cut the brownies, rolled my cheese ball in it's nut topping, put his shoes on him and we left for church. He threw a big fit because he wanted to buckle himself in, but we didn't have time to wait for him to do so. He cried for a few miles until I told him to stop because he was a big boy and shouldn't cry all the time.

We got to church and I put Asher in the care of my younger brother and went inside. I kissed Nick (who was at praise team practice), and went downstairs. I set my food out. We prayed and ate food and did bible study. Beth Moore rocks. We cleaned up our food. I talked to my mom about talking me to my RE appointment next week, as I will have worked the night before and shouldn't be driving a 4 hour round trip on no sleep. I drove my grandma's car home. It's like driving a space ship. It's very fancy. It even turns down the radio when you're stopped at a stop sign or when you slow down the car! Who knew such a thing even existed! Anyway, I parked my grandma's car at her house and walked home.

I came in the back door, went to the living room and looked in the boxes that had arrived (my overstock.com order). I listened to Nick talk to his sister on the phone while writing this blog post.

Our School Order Arrived!

2010-08-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

Is it here, Mama?

I see it!!!

Oh, yeah! This rocks!

Lots of books!

We are SO excited to start school!

Day 24~ Where I Live

2010-08-24T09:04:00.000-05:00

Well, whoever thought up this "30 Day Blog Journal" is certainly nosey, aren't they?

Here's some pics:

Obviously, we live in the country. (And we like it that way!) Unfortunately, the views you see with the harvest-ready corn and the short early-summer corn are now eclipsed by a ginormous machine shed. Literally, you look out our back windows and all you see is corrugated metal. But, what can you do? We love living in the country (with the only problems being having to drive to do ANYTHING and sometimes getting stuck here with the snow gets too deep!)! Honestly, I think I'd rather live in the country than in town!

Day 23~ A YouTube Video

2010-08-23T14:06:00.000-05:00

Nick and I used to watch this one ALL THE TIME!!! It is long, but hilarious! This may be a good watch for those of you reading on bedrest (ahem...Minta...).

Along the same lines:

Day 22~ A Website

2010-08-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

So, I'm guessing this is supposed to be a website I like and visit regularly?

Here goes:

Facebook--I'm a facebook junky. I check it roughly a million times a day on my computer and on my phone. It's an addiction, but one I have no desire to get rid of, so take that, Facebooker's Anonymous!

Slickdeals--I check this site a couple times a day. It's pretty awesome. It features user-submitted deals from various stores on the internet. Sometimes there's nothing but crap that I don't want or need (protein powder, external hard drives, etc), but sometimes there's awesome stuff! I got a GINORMOUS Vera Bradley bag for like $30! And a $100 pair of Birkenstocks for $30! I was pretty proud of myself, I'm not going to lie.

Blogger--duh

Trip Advisor-- I don't visit this one all the time, but when we're going somewhere, I'm on it for hours on end! My mom showed it to me, and I'm so glad she did! People rate hotels, restaurants and attractions in pretty much any city big enough to have hotels, restaurants or attractions! It's awesome!

Woot--This site features daily deals in their regular woot section, along with funny t-shirts and a kid's section. Much like slickdeals, sometimes it's nothing I'm interested in, but sometimes it's something cool. Nick just recieved an awesome headlamp from them (or, at least, I assume it's awesome based on the squealing he did when it arrived and he wore it for the first time. Yeah, he's easily amused!). But, even better than their cool things, their descriptions of said items are always hilarious!

Day 21~ A Recipe

2010-08-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

Here's a family favorite recipe! It was what was served the first time Nick had supper with my family. It is more delicious than anything this easy has the right to be!

TACO SOUP

2 pounds hamburger, browned and drained

3 cans diced tomatoes

3 cans diced chilis

2 cans black beans

1 can pinto beans

1 can white hominy

1 package Taco seasoning

1 package Ranch mix

1 1/2 cups water

salt and pepper to taste

Literally dump everything (liquid and all) into a large pot or crock pot and heat until it's hot.

Serve with sour cream, shredded cheese and crumbled up tortilla chips!

Notes:

I half this recipe if I'm just making it at home for us, otherwise, we have leftovers for a week (which actually isn't bad, because this stuff gets better and better the longer it sits in the pot)!

I have used 3 cans of Rotel tomato stuff in lieu of the diced tomatoes and diced chilis. It's a litte spicier that way, but yummy nonetheless.

If you want to be Nick's best friend, make this for him. He will love you forever (or marry your daughter, evidently. LOL)!

Let me know if you try it!

Day 20~ A Hobby

2010-08-20T16:37:00.000-05:00

Again, see me previous post about working and hanging out with a 3 year old all the time. Read: not a lot of time for hobbies. I'll give this post a try, anyway.

I'm not crafty. I tried scrapbooking awhile back, but it kind of fell by the wayside when I realized that I got my artistic skill from my mother (which means I have none). (Anyone want any scrapbooking supplies? LOL)

I do like photography. By that I mean, basically, having a fancy-ish camera and only shooting on automatic. haha If I had the time and money, I'd take a photography class, but, alas, I don't have either of those. I also enjoy a little photoshopping occasionally, but I haven't done it in so long that I probably would need Nick to teach me how again.

I also like to read. I read A LOT and I read fast. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying. It is something I got from my mom that rocks! I read mostly fiction (usually crime fiction, because I'm reading in the middle of the night and I need something to keep me awake, not put me to sleep). I've read entire books during a slow night at work, and I always feel pretty proud of myself afterwards. haha The only problem I have with reading so much is that I sometimes forget what I've read. I recently ordered a book and took it with me to work to read, only to realize a few pages in that I had totally read it already. It was annoying.

I think that's about all I have in the realm of hobbies...unless potty training people counts?

Day 19~ A Talent

2010-08-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

This, too, took some thinking on my part. I spend most of my time working or taking care of a 3 year old, neither of which require a whole lot of talent.

One thing I get comments on regularly, though, is the skill with which I swaddle babies at work. I have a certain way I do it, and, in fact, it annoys me when someone messes it up or sends their baby back to the nursery all unwrapped when I sent them to the room nicely wrapped! Sheesh! People regularly ask me to show them how I do it. One of our pediatricians has been heard to say, "I can tell Krystal wrapped this one!" In fact, the swaddling was the thing my mom told me I needed to learn first thing when I started working there. I think I've achieved that goal!

Of course, I can also tie a cherry stem with my tongue, but that's a post for another time...

Day 18~ My Wedding

2010-08-18T09:20:00.000-05:00

Rehearsal (trusty shower bow bouquet!)

You'll see that here, I'm looking away and Nick is starting to run down the aisle. This resulted in the following picture...

We did formal shots beforehand, because I always hate the "go to the reception and wait forever for the bridal party" thing.

Our bridal party being silly

Daniel (it was his 4th Birthday the day we got married!) and Hannah

My "something old"--My Great-Grandma's brooch

Nick and our little bridal party members

Our first dance as husband and wife

The last 3 1/2 years as flown by! I can't believe how fast it seems to have gone! I was madly in love with this man then, but it pales in comparison to just how in love with him I am now. Going through infertility and a miscarriage has only proven to solidify our relationship. Watching him be a daddy to our son has warmed my heart in ways that I never thought possible. I look forward to many many more years with him!

I love ya, Baby!

Day 17~ An Art Piece

2010-08-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

Not being an arty type, I've been thinking about this topic for a few days and I am having a hard time coming up with something. I like photography more than, say, paintings. I decided I would go to a popular Christian bookstore website and look around at what they have.

Here's some photographic prints with bible verses that I like:

(Funny story: I bought my mom this one for Christmas in 2008, then bought it again in 2009! When I got it in the mail, I was like, "This looks familiar!" I looked back at my previous orders and was like, "Oh, Crap!" LOL)

As far as actual paintings (or reproduction of paintings) go, I find I like kind of abstract-y things. I also like triptychs (did I spell that right?).

And, of course, I've always been a fan of "Starry Night."

Day 16~ Songs That Make Me Cry

2010-08-16T07:00:00.002-05:00

First of all, I hate to cry. Secondly, because of that, I generally change the channel or skip a song that shows up on this list. Thirdly, listen and enjoy. Fourthly, I'm sorry. Fifthy, these are just the first 4 I thought of. There's roughly a million that make me cry.

(Now Nick and I are both crying!!!)

(This is totally my least favorite day so far!)

(Ugh! Who thought this was a good idea?!)

(Now I need a nap, because I'm emotionally drained!)

Day 15~ My Dream House

2010-08-15T12:29:00.001-05:00

***edited to let you know to rest up before tomorrow's post. I already wrote it and scheduled it to post tomorrow morning, and let me tell you, it's emotionally draining! ugh!***

Our wish list:

CENTRAL AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4+ bedrooms (so we can fill it up, or use the extra as a playroom or office)
Master Suite with plenty of room for our California King bed and other furniture and the bathroom with a hot tub and one of those fancy glass-enclosed showers and lots of shower heads
Big kitchen with granite, stainless steel appliances, an island and miles of cupboards and counter space and an under-mounted sink
3 bathrooms (including the one in the master suite)
Finished basement
Big yard with outdoor space for entertaining (outdoor kitchen, maybe?) and maybe a pool and hot tub
Attached 2 car garage

We kind of like how this one looks:

oooo...pretty!

DON'T CLICK THAT LINK!!!!

2010-08-14T23:15:00.000-05:00

If any of you saw that link that got posted to my blog as a blog post, don't click it! My hotmail got hacked or something and sent that link to everyone in my contacts list and I have the email posting address saved in my contacts, so it posted here! Ugh! Stupid! I'm sorry!

Day 14~ A Non-Fiction Book

2010-08-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

My current non-fiction selection is:

Actually, what's interesting is that I rarely read my actual bible. I use www.biblegateway.com when I'm doing my bible study at work, because it's easier than toting around my bible. Also, I found an app for my beloved blackberry called YouVersion that I have been using a lot lately. In addition to being able to search for any bible verse, you can also start one of their 30ish reading plans and it will keep track of your status! I only started it 10 days ago, but I'm liking it so far! I'm doing the chronological study, so it assigns me a certain amount every day of the bible in the order it would have actually occurred, not necessarily the order it is in the bible. For example, I got through the flood in Genesis, then it sent me to Job! I had no idea! Anyway, I think it's pretty cool, and I can read it anywhere! (This is not a commercial, by the way! LOL!)

Also, I'm doing a women's bible study with my church:

I'm really enjoying the Beth Moore study (other than the fact that she gets all up in your business!), and I love hanging out with the small group of ladies attending the study.
_______________
Despite some bad weather yesterday right at wedding time, my sister is now married!

Ignore my farmer "tan" and my fat. Ugh. I wish there was a "tan" and "weight loss" setting on my camera!

My sister and her husband!

Day 13~ A Fictional Book

2010-08-13T08:08:00.000-05:00

I'm a little confused by today's topic because didn't we already cover books? Oh well, I guess since we already covered my favorite books, I'll just talk about the one I'm currently reading.

I really like this author. All her books feature the same characters. I wouldn't say they're a series, per se, but they do mention things that happened in previous books (kind of like the Scarpetta series). You won't be lost if you pick up a more recent one, but you may learn things that kind of let you know what happens in an older one, know what I mean? Actually, I have read them all out of order! haha

http://www.karinslaughter.com/books.shtml

Once I get done with this one, I will have read all but "Blindsighted." Looking at the list, the "Will Trent" series may or may not feature people from the "Grant County" series, but I know they cross over at some point and live in sin together in the same book. haha

Anyway! Today is wedding day, so I need to get Ash out of the bath and shower myself and get going! Tomorrow is "Non-fiction book," I guess!

Day 12~ Something I'm OCD About

2010-08-12T13:48:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that Nick is the OCD one in our family. However, I think we all have something that makes us tick if it's not done to our specifications.

Mine?

Laundry! More specifically, folding laundry. I have a certain way I fold certain things, and if they're not folded right (read: Nick folded it...sorry, honey), I have to re-fold them. True confessions: I re-fold things he's folded all.the.time. I'm slowly but surely getting him trained. He folds the underwear right, and he pretty much does the towels ok, too. The t-shirts need some work. LOL (You know I love ya, baby!)

Also, at work, I don't like it if someone else fills out my daily nursery book. We have a book that has all the baby's info in it that gets re-done every day so current info is on it. If someone else fills it out while I'm the one working in the nursery, I don't like it. I feel uneasy, like they didn't do it right.

There you have it. My neuroses, out in the open for all to see!

Day 11~ A Recent Photo of Me

2010-08-11T15:47:00.000-05:00

Ash looks fat in this one! lol

Day 10~ A Photo of Me From 10 or More Years Ago

2010-08-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

This is me and my dad

Me and my mom. (This is a scan, and there is something nasty on the picture.)

My dad, mom and me in 1996. (Again, there's something nasty on the picture.)

Me, my sister Lyndsay holding my brother Jamie, my sister Kayla (who gets married Friday!), and my sister Grace in 1999 (I think)

Day 9~ A Photo I Took

2010-08-09T17:10:00.000-05:00

So, since I'm the (probably self-appointed) family photographer, this day is not very hard. (Not as hard as the "recent photo of me" day we have coming up!) So, I thought I'd use today as an excuse to show pictures from our short family trip to Chicago that we took in July.

Asher enjoying the train ride

Looking at the big city

Giraffe!

This is a creepy picture I accidentally got of Nick at the aquarium. I was trying to take a picture of whatever that fish is and got his reflection. It's terrifying.

A meercat, cheesing for the camera.

The bean. I've been to Chicago a million times and never been. So, after some wandering, we found it!

Asher at Navy Pier. I think he's going to end up back in glasses at his eye appointment in September. He's started closing one eye when he has to point at something far away.

I title this one "When's the next hippo?" We have a similar picture of Nick on our honeymoon sitting on some sort of animal at a museum in Minnesota.

Asher on Daddy's shoulders in the bird house at the zoo.

Day 8~ A Picture That Makes Me Sad/Angry

2010-08-08T16:51:00.000-05:00

Could there be any other, really?

I would be 17 weeks tomorrow if we hadn't miscarried. I would have posted the ultrasound picture, but I don't have it on my computer and I deleted it from my facebook. (BTW, I started my provera a few days ago, so we're on the road to trying again! Yay! or Eeek! or something.)

Day 7~ A Picture That Makes Me Happy

2010-08-07T21:38:00.000-05:00

You know me. I can't just choose one. So here's a couple:

This is Nick and Asher at the zoo in Chicago a couple of weeks ago.

This is Nick and Asher (look how little he looks!) last summer before we attached a swing to that rope.

Day 6~ 20 of my Favorite Things

2010-08-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

These are in no particular order...

1. My husband~ He is absolutely my favorite person to hang out with. I am constantly wishing we could just be independently wealthy so we could hang out together. He is my rock when everything around me is tumultuous. I love watching him with Asher, and I regularly get choked up seeing the two of them interact. He is a better daddy than you can imagine. He is my one true love and I don't know what I'd do without him. No matter what we're doing, I'm perfectly happy being with him.

2. My son~ I couldn't love this kid more if I'd birthed him myself. I've "only" known him for 18 months--only half his life--but I can barely remember life without him. Hearing him call me "mama" and looking for me when he feels upset or excited makes me feel so loved and needed. When he crawls up in my lap and says, "Mama, I need a hug," it's all I can do to not burst into tears. As much as I hate to admit it, even if we're never blessed with a biological child of our own, I know I'd be perfectly happy being his mama for the rest of my life.

3. My youth groupies~ We help with the youth group at church, and I love those teenagers SO much. They are so well-behaved and don't act like your typical teenagers at all. They love the Lord and I've loved getting to know them more and more through the last few years.

4. Coffee~ I was a HUGE coffee drinker pre-pregnancy, and while I've only had coffee twice since the miscarriage, I still have a place in my heart for it.

5. My cats~ I love all 3 of them. They all have different personalities. Lily's the typical "oldest child"--she draws your attention to injustices being done to the feline members of our household, whether it be a dirty cat box or a lack of food and she's kind of bossy. Mia is the princess. She sits with her paws crossed and thinks her rightful place is sitting right in the middle of the dining room table. Last, but not least, Latte is crazy! This cat showers with me regularly! He has an affinity for the corners of ziploc bags (in fact, our wipes come in a big ziploc bag and the corners are always eaten off!). He likes to climb around in Asher's toy baskets after he goes to bed and drag around stuffed animals. These cats are a constant source of happiness.

6. My DVR~ I literally don't know what we'd do without it!

7. New socks~ There's something about a brand new pair of socks, fresh out of the package, that I love.

8. Books~ I love to read! Reading helps get me through 12 hour night shifts when we're not busy. I inherited the fast-reading gene from my mom, and I've often read an entire book in a slow shift at work. (Don't tell...shhh...)

9. My Blackberry~ I couldn't love a human baby as much as I love this phone! (Just kidding, of course, but 10 points for whoever can tell me where that quote comes from!) I love that I can browse the internet. I love that the texts are threaded, so I can see an entire convo I've had with someone, rather than just one text at a time. I love the apps. I love it!

10. Facebook~ I have a bit of an addiction.

11. Movies~ I love going to the movie theater with my husband. I love the over-priced popcorn and pop. I love the previews and the cuddling and the child-free time. Even a crappy movie is made alright by hanging with my hubs and eating perfectly-seasoned popcorn (I'm a champion popcorn-butterer, ask anyone who's been to the movie with me).

12. My non-household family~ My family is hilarious. I defy you to spend any length of time with either of my families without laughing so hard you hurt. They are a constant in my life, and I couldn't even function if they weren't nearby.

13. My Mac book pro~ Little-known Chinese proverb: perfect happiness can be found with a mac in your lap. When a new computer was in order, I mocked Nick for his desire to get a mac. I now completely understand, and I mock pc users. lol

14. My bed~ We have a California king sized bed, due to my husband being freakishly tall. I spent 6 months sleeping in it alone before Nick and I got married, and I've got to tell you, it is the most comfortable thing ever. I find that I really don't sleep very well anywhere else, anymore, because my bed is the epitome of perfection.

15. Celebrity gossip~ For some reason, I feel the need to look at people, or us magazine or tmz or what have you. I love seeing what weird thing Lady Gaga is wearing or the play-by-play of Lindsay Lohan's jail stay. I love seeing my beloved Rob Pattinson and speculating the "are they or aren't they?" of his relationship with Kristen Stewart. I love it. And I'm sorry. Only I'm not.

16. My camera~ My Nikon D60 and I are buds. Now, if only I could get my smaller lens to work reliably...

17. Naps~ Couch naps. Bed naps. I'm not picky.

18. Underwear~ My addiction to underwear-buying has died down over the years, but I still love looking at underwear. lol (I'm sorry, Jimmy...) I don't think I even own any underwear that came packaged with others. I like the funky ones with designs and words on them. I have some that say "I (heart) Coffee" on the butt. lol

19. Musicals~ There's something novel about people randomly breaking into song, I guess. I love the movie Hairspray, and all 3 High School Musical movies are on our dvd shelf (along with their soundtracks on our computer). I love Disney movies, I love The Producers, I love it all!

20. Blog Comments~ There are no words to describe how I feel when my beloved blackberry lights up with a blog comment! I love it!

Day 5~ Favorite Quote

2010-08-05T12:39:00.001-05:00

So, I'm not really a quote person. I mean, I have bible verses I like, but those don't seem like quotes to me, I guess. I see the lovely, feel-good quotes places and usually I just find them kind of silly in a charming kind of way.

We do, however, quote movies and tv all. the. time. Here's a taste...

"Loathe, entirely!" ~ The Grinch

"I killed a guy with a trident!"~ Anchorman

"The owl sees at night." ~Talladega Nights

"Great! Now I can get hepatitis!" ~ I can't remember what this is from. I'm picturing Justin Long...

"Seriously?!" ~Grey's Anatomy (The girls at work pointed out to me recently that I say this a lot. I hadn't noticed it until then, and now I'm self conscious about it.)

"Wind the frog!" ~Toy Story (A piece of trivia: my mom said this right before we all walked in at my wedding!)

"It's SO hot! Milk was a bad choice!" ~Anchorman

"I can't believe chairs even exist when you're not sitting in them!" ~ Knocked Up

"Why are you so sweaty? I was watching Cops!" ~ Step Brothers

"Diversity is an old, old wooden ship..." ~ Anchorman

"You're...mocking me, aren't you?" ~ Toy Story

"Where we're going, we don't need roads!" ~Back to the Future, via Knocked Up

"I lift my brother..." ~Knocked Up

"It's...the florescents." ~Twilight

I'm sensing a Will Ferrell/Paul Rudd theme. LOL

Day 4~ Favorite Book(s)

2010-08-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

I think Breaking Dawn is my Favorite of the 4, but I love them all!

I have read it 3 times, I think, and I love it! The movie is good but leaves A LOT out!

This is one of the few non-fiction books (maybe the only one...) that I have gone back to read again!

This is Patricia Cornwell. I LOVE LOVE LOVE her Scarpetta series! Good stuff!

If you have kids (or even if you don't!) read this book! It. Is. HILARIOUS!

Day 3~ Favorite TV Show

2010-08-03T01:08:00.001-05:00

Here's my top 5:

(I love me some McDreamy!)

(I love me some Joel McHale, also!)

(I'm sensing a theme...hehe.)

(I guess this doesn't fit with my previous theme...oh well.)

(Gotta have some nostalgia!)

Day 2~ Favorite Movie(s)

2010-08-02T14:57:00.001-05:00

***edited to call this post Day 2 instead of 1...why'd I do that?***

Yet again, this is a hard one to narrow down. So, here's a few:

Day 1~ Favorite Song(s)

2010-08-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

I had a really hard time thinking of what my favorite song is! I asked my mom and Nick and they couldn't give me any legitimate answers, although "I'm a Little Teapot" was highly helpful. After doing a little thinking, I could only think of one song that I would always stop and listen to if it came up on my iTunes. It's Nick and my song. We danced to it as our first dance at our reception. It is "I Will Call You Blessed" by Caleb Carruth.

Here is the You Tube video so you can hear it, if you'd like (there's not really video to it, though, just the song and the album cover):

And here's the lyrics:

I can't believe you're mine
I can't believe I'm yours
Cause only a Master's hand
Could have devised and designed our course

Lost in your beauty
Lost in the freedom
I can't owe this to myself
What have I ever done
That's this good, this sweet, this right

With one glance of your eye
You've stolen my heart
And beautiful you are, my darling
There is no flaw in you

Now I lack nothing
And now there is peace
You have such patience with me
Freely you give your love

You're so good, so sweet, so right

You are clothed in strength
You are dressed in dignity
With you He is saving me
You are all I wanted
You are all I need now
I will call you blessed

Gone are the good old days
I've no need for useless things
'Cause I have found something better, baby, to last me forever
For you speak with wisdom
And faithful instruction
Many do noble things
But you have surpassed them all

You're so good, so sweet, so right

And now, just for fun, you can see the top few songs that are on our "Top Played" list in iTunes. (You can click to make it bigger, so you can actually read it.)

I might like Twilight stuff a little...maybe. ; )

Some August Fun...Maybe

2010-07-31T00:10:00.000-05:00

So, my good buddy, Sass (we've never actually met, but I think we'd be total buds if we knew each other in real life.) is doing this 30 days of blog posts thing, and I think I'm going to give it the old college try in August. Stay tuned...and try to keep me on track!

Day 1 - your favourite song

Day 2 - your favourite movie

Day 3 - your favourite television program

Day 4 - your favourite book

Day 5 - your favourite quote

Day 6 - 20 of my favourite things

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9 - a photo you took

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11 - a photo of you recently

Day 12 - something you are OCD about

Day 13 - a fictional book

Day 14 - a non-fictional book

Day 15 - your dream house

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19 - a talent of yours

Day 20 - a hobby of yours

Day 21 - a recipe

Day 22 - a website

Day 23 - a youtube video

Day 24 - where I live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - my worst habit

Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

A Conundrum

2010-07-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

So, I decided to give my RE's office a call to let them know about the miscarriage and ask what our plan would be for when we started trying again. (On a completely side note, I just had to say the phrase, "Stop licking your magnifying glass!" What kind of life do I live?! lol) The nurse called me back yesterday afternoon right before closing time. She wanted to know the story (which is getting easier and easier to recount without getting all emotional...not that I want to talk about it a bunch), and she said she'd have to talk to a doctor, but probably they'd just have me start the provera at some point and call for my baseline. Then, they'd just do a cycle like the one we got pregnant with: femara and follistim. I asked her if they'd start me at 150, since they'd had to up me from the 100 and she said that would probably be the plan. I asked her if I should just start my provera mid-August (safe in the knowledge that it will be late-August/early-September when my period starts), and she said she'd ask the doctor that, too when she talked to him.

So, I get a call this morning from a nurse saying that the previous nurse had talked to the doctor (one that I hadn't met yet. I always forget how many stinking doctors there are there!), and he said I could start my provera NOW! I was pretty surprised to hear this, as Dr.S had been explicit in her instructions about waiting 2 cycles/8 weeks. I mentioned this to the nurse, with the addendum that Dr. S had been concerned that my lining wouldn't be sufficient to carry a pregnancy if I tried again too soon. "But, I imagine that's a non-issue since they'll do ultrasounds, right?" The nurse agreed.

So, here's my problem (finally, I know!): do I go ahead and start it once I pick up my provera? Or do I wait? On the plus side, it is sooner and we could ditch the condoms! LOL! On the other side, we had ourselves emotionally ready for starting in September. Also, if I start the provera soon, AF will probably arrive right in time for my sister's (outdoor) wedding on August 13, and, if we get pregnant, we'd be due right when my brother will be graduating from high school in May. I'd really rather not be bleeding profusely in a bridesmaids dress or miss my brother's graduation, so probably I'll wait a week or so before taking the provera, should we decide to go that way. Nick and I still need to talk about it, so a decision has not been made yet, I just wanted your opinions!

A Long Post...I'm Sorry

2010-07-20T01:43:00.000-05:00

I know! I know! I'm a bad, bad blogger. Feel free to give me a slap on the hand (or whatever the punshment is for ignoring your own blog for 18 days while still reading the blogs on your reader). I really have no excuse. I'm no busier than usual. I'm not wallowing in self-loathing or depression (at least not any more than usual). I don't know, really. I just felt kind of detached.

Anyway...

The farther in the past the miscarriage is, the better I feel, mentally and emotionally. Physically, I'm fine. I finally stopped bleeding after more than 2 flipping weeks! Ugh! Other than finding out at my post-op appointment that we needed to use "some form of protection" for the next 2 cycles (more on that later), the appointment went as expected. Just a quick check up the hoo-ha and Dr.S was done. I literally waited for her under the tiny piece of paper for longer than she was in the room. No big deal, really.

Usually at least once a day I am confronted by something that makes me pause and have to prevent myself from bursting into tears. If it's not 3 facebook friends due in early 2011 posting ultrasound pictures or talking about their pregnancies, it's a stupid Apple iPhone commercial that has me threatening to throw something large at my flat screen Toshiba. (I bet you a million dollars that all you IFers out there have seen that commercial and wanted to do something similar. I also bet you a million dollars that you non-IFers have seen that commercial and thought about how adorable it is. I take cash or check.) But even silly little things bring on my emotions: a paper chain counting down the days until a birthday (we'd made a paper chain with my siblings of the weeks to go until the baby was to be born), sitting in a hot tub at a hotel and realizing that I hadn't planned to be able to do that on that trip, or looking at a calendar and realizing that I should be just into my second trimester now.

But, none of the aforementioned things has hurt as much as attending a Catholic wedding this past weekend. (I apologize now if you're Catholic--I have no problem with you personally, I assure you.) There were NO fewer than 5 instances during the ceremony where they mentioned that the couple is obligated to have a million children. At first, I was just like, "Oh, well, that's nice." Then, it became almost comical. Then, it became tragic and I began to picture what I could do to make a scene and run away. (Most of my ideas involved throwing the incense ball at someone.) Then, it got even worse when we got to the reception and I realized that there were pregnant women and babies everywhere! I'm not even exaggerating! Right behind me was a table with two babies, and there was another table across the reception hall that literally had a stack of baby car seats next to it! A stack, I tells ya! I saw baby bellies of various gestations, most of them sitting right near me as if they could smell the infertility and miscarriage on me and thought they'd share the love. To make matters worse, on my way to the bathroom, they all seemed to be having some sort of "Baby and Baby Bump" photo shoot--right by the bathroom! Seriously, people?! Stop it! One dad was walking around and dancing with a cute little red-headed baby, and I told Nick that I couldn't handle it any more and I needed to find more money for the cash bar.

Anyway, I'm over it now (obviously...lol), I just thought I'd share it with you all because, had I seen it in a movie, I would have laughed. Or, at least I would have 5 years ago, before all this infertility stuff started. It makes me think of the opening scene of "Baby Mama," where she sees babies everywhere and it's like they're mocking her. That's really what it was (and is) like!

Speaking of "Baby Mama," I got my explanation of benefits from my insurance company from my D+C. Guess how much I'll have to pay my place of work for the joy of getting knocked out and having the "products of conception" removed from by body (I've always hated that phrase, by the way.)? Take a guess! $47! Yep! You may say, "Well, that's awesome!" To that I say, "I paid $1000 on the cycle I got pregnant! That's not a very good return on my investment!" (There is the scene in Baby Mama where she says, "It costs more to have someone born than killed!" That's where I got the segueway...vague, I know.)

But, at least we'd gotten our pre-authorization for infertility treatment taken care of right before we found out we were pregnant. So, hopefully, subsequent cycles will not take as much money, as it will be covered more thoroughly by our insurance. My plan (although I haven't really talked it over with Nick yet. Oops.) will be to try again in September. Dr.S said we have to avoid getting pregnant for 2 cycles because my lining would be insufficient to maintain a pregnancy and I could miscarry again. To this I said, "But, um, what about the fact that I just don't have cycles?" She told me to wait 8 weeks, and that we have use protection until then. To which I responded, "Huh? Like, I need to go buy condoms? Seriously? It took us 3 1/2 years and fairly significant medical intervention to get this far, what are the odds?!" She said she was serious and found it amusing that I didn't just happen to have condoms lying around. (What possible reason would I have to have them? Hello!) So, after an embarrasing trip to Target, we are now the proud owners of condoms (which we both hate, by the way). I feel like a high schooler or something. It's really pretty dumb. But, we really would rather be safe than sorry, so I guess we'll do what she says. ugh.

Wow! For a person who claimed to not have anything to say, I certainly ramble a lot. I'm very sorry.

Why'd You Have to Go and Make Things So Complicated?

2010-07-02T08:18:00.000-05:00

So, I went back to work Wednesday night amidst killer cramps off and on. I came to the conclusion, that maybe I just had gas (I know, I know...like you people wanted to know this...) or something. You girls know how everything down there can be a little too sensitive at times. Anyway, I tried to "walk it out," but nothing seemed to be helping. I worked my shift, went home, had a bowl of cereal, took more ibuprofen and went to bed, praying it would stop so I could sleep as I was supposed to return to work Thursday night.

Enter 12:00pm. I woke up in pain like I've never felt before. I decided to try and use the restroom and I was successful, but it still hurt pretty bad. I laid back down and tossed and turned for about an hour before I couldn't handle the pain any more. I felt like there had to be something I could do to make it feel better, but there was no position I could be in that alleviated the discomfort. In the mean time, I was sweating profusely and nauseous and had my head in a bucket and was praying for death. Eventually, I called Nick at work and he made me call my doctor. She was next door (at my work) delivering a baby, so I had to wait until about 15 minutes later to find out what she wanted me to do. (By this time, it was like 3 or 3:15) She wanted to see me. SO...I grab my bucket (I hadn't used it, I only threatened to) and the things I'd need for work and met Nick halfway. He drove, and I was in excruciating pain.

We got there and pretty much got right in. At one point he said to me, "If it's any consolation, you look miserable, so I don't think anyone thinks you're lying!" lol Dr. S came in and spent about 15 minutes cleaning out old stuff from up there. It was a highly pleasant experience, as you can imagine. I was sweaty and nauseous and my legs started shaking, but when she was done, I felt SOOOO much better. She gave me a prescription for 12 methergine (which I take 4 times per day!) and some Tylenol #3 along with a note to stay off work until Monday. She also told me to stay on top of my ibuprofen. We went over to the hospital to give the note to my boss, who was getting ready to leave when I walked in. She was obviously not too thrilled, as we are CRAZY short-staffed on nights right now, but she understood. (Probably, I still looked crazy and shaky and pale, too, so that helped.)

We headed to walmart to get my scripts filled and got a few things for Asher's birthday while we waited, then headed home and had pizza and birthday cupcakes under the influence of Tylenol #3. I highly recommend it! I'm feeling much better now. Still crampy off and on, but nothing like how I was feeling before seeing Dr.S yesterday. She said what I was feeling was probably similar to labor, at which point I told her to give me an epidural! She was SO very nice and sat with me for awhile after she got done to make sure I was doing ok.

We're just praying for no more complications! Won't you join me?

2010-06-30T18:19:00.000-05:00

My D+C went fine Monday morning. I evidently "wanted to bleed," according to what my OB told my family when it was all over. Monday and Tuesday weren't too bad, but today (TMI alert!) I've had killer cramps and have had to dispose of two pairs of underwear. Lovely. I'm going to push my 800mg of ibuprofen to every 6 hours as opposed to 8 and see how that goes for the cramps. I'm also back to work tonight, tomorrow night and Friday night, so we'll see how that goes.

I promise we'll eventually get back to "normal" on here...not that I'm really all that sure what that even looks like any more.

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts throughout this rough time. You're all the best.

D+C Scheduled

2010-06-25T10:23:00.000-05:00

After much deliberation (and help from bloggy friends), we have decided to go ahead with the D+C. It will be Monday morning at 11:30. Quite frankly, I don't think I can handle the wait and not knowing when it might happen if I let it go naturally. I feel like I need to get the actual miscarriage out of the way before I can fully grieve properly, know what I mean? The last 24 hours has sucked severely. I've cried more tears than I ever thought possible.

I know many people are praying and thinking about us, and we truly appreciate it. While part of us wishes we didn't have a million people to have to tell, the other part is happy to have so much support--both from people we know "in real life" and from blog friends we've never actually met. We know the Lord is sovereign and holy, even if we can't see why this is all happening right now.

Thanks for being there, guys.

Loss

2010-06-24T13:05:00.000-05:00

At some point between our last ultrasound and the one we had today, the baby stopped growing. He/She only measured 7w5d and there was no heartbeat. We are trying to decide whether to go ahead with a D+C or wait it out.

Wherein I Apologize for Not Posting...

2010-06-19T06:38:00.000-05:00

Really, my only excuse is lack of anything exciting to say. Mostly, my days go: nausea? Check! Tired? Check! Working or chasing an almost 3 year old? Check and check!

Basically, my life's pretty boring.

I have my first OB appointment this week, which we're pretty excited about. I'm hoping to get a glimpse of little blackberry again. I'm nervous about the whole pap smear thing. I mean, I've had them before, so that's not it. But a coworker of mine had a miscarriage at 9 weeks as a direct result of an over-zealous pap smearer. I'll probably go ahead with it, as that was probably a fluke, but it still makes me nervous. My question is: why do they even bother doing it when you know they won't do anything about an abnormal one while you're pregnant anyway? Seems strange.

My summer calendar is filling up like crazy! This coming week alone, I work 32 hours in 3 days, then have an OB appointment, then all 3 cats go to the vet (explain how I'm going to manage that?!), we have a surprise party to go to, a wedding rehearsal and a wedding Saturday afternoon followed by work that night! Ugh! No rest for the gestating, I guess.

Asher's birthday is coming up. We're getting him an easel and art supplies. I'm thinking of getting him an old school plastic swimming pool, too. One that won't pop like the one we got him last year, you know. We're having his party the 3rd, weather permitting. We're planning on going to the park to play with family in the morning and having cake and stuff before it gets terribly hot. Then, that evening? ECLIPSE, baby! Oh yeah!

Well, my fingers are cramping from typing this whole thing on my blackberry while Nick sleeps, so remind me to tell you about our upcoming meeting with Asher's mother. Ugh.

Picture!

2010-06-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

Here's our little one! The little circle on top is the yolk sac. Baby's head is to the left.

We told people at church today, and they were all thrilled. Then, we came out on FB. It's all very exciting!

We've been talking to Asher about it, and he is adamant about wanting a sister. He also said we should name her "Strawberry." I don't think that's on the list. haha

7w3d Ultrasound

2010-06-03T19:24:00.000-05:00

We have one perfect little bean!

He/She is measuring exactly 7w3d, which prompted my favorite ultrasound tech to say, "Do you always do everything so perfectly?"

We saw the perfect little heart flickering away at 157bpm.

I didn't even cry, which is surprising. I think if I'd have gotten to actually HEAR the heartbeat, I would have.

Then, they told me I could stop my prometrium suppositories (I'm going to finish out the few I have left) and metformin and go see my regular OB. However, Dr.S can't get me in until the 24th. Oh well! I'll be 10w3d by then!

I promise I'll post pictures when I can. I'm working the next couple of nights, so it will probably be the weekend before I can get to it! There's really not a lot to see anyway...just a little blob. haha

I'm so glad all is well in there!

Blogiversary and 100th Post

2010-05-28T20:01:00.001-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been a year since I started this blog. It didn't start out as an infertility blog- just a place to blog about my family and our adoption process. However, I quickly decided to "come out," and I've found so many friends through the process. I think of all the IF blogs I read and I'm thankful for all of those girls-- I can't even imagine not having your support through the last year. That goes for both my "virtual" friends and my "real life" ones. You all know who you are(I'd hate to mention people and forget someone)!

In the last year my family has been through a lot! Our adoption was finally finalized! We've lost weight together! We've gotten ourselves knocked up! LOL! My sincere prayer is that, next year, when I write my second blogiversary post, I have an almost 4 year old and a 4 month old (or two!). I pray that I'll continue to get to know my bloggy friends and that they'll all get their much-deserved babies!

Thanks for being here for me/us throughout this past year!

Tired!

2010-05-27T12:45:00.002-05:00

Man, am I tired! I literally slept all day yesterday because of work (I worked monday and tuesday nights and was supposed to work wednesday night, too, but didn't end up having to), THEN I slept pretty much all night! Haha! I was awake for like 7 hours before going back to bed!

Other than that, I've noticed a low- level quease the last couple of days. Its not enough to keep me from eating or anything, but its there, nonetheless.

We're super excited for our ultrasound in exactly a week! I've been looking at 7w4d ultrasounds online, because that's how far along we'll be. I so look forward to (hopefully) seeing the little blob and his/her heartbeat!

I'm still pretty nervous that something will be wrong when they look, but I'm trying to push it out of my mind. Its just the devil trying to steal my joy, and I'm against it!

Tomorrow's my blogiversary and I hope to post my 100th post! See ya then!

I'm Still Here!

2010-05-25T02:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I promise. There's just not a lot to talk about. I'm just battling with the calendar as it moves slower and slower toward our ultrasound on the third. One second I'm super excited for it, and the next I'm terrified that something will be wrong or that I've imagined the whole thing. I keep having to remind myself it's all true. I keep telling myself, "You had 3 sticks with 2 lines and one that said 'pregnant.' You had two great betas. You didn't dream it." Too bad my self doesn't listen very well. Stupid, self.

As far as symptoms go, I haven't had much. I'm feeling more fatigued, I believe, but sometimes it's hard to tell if it's baby-related or work shift-related (if you've ever worked nights, you can understand). I also have some cramps occasionally. I told my mom today that sometimes they hurt BAD! They only last a few seconds, but it usually makes me pause and takes my breath away for a second. I'm assuming that it's just my uterus stretching and my little blackberry settling in. I have had no spotting at all *knocks wood,* and believe me, I always inspect the TP very well! haha

I joined Baby Center online the other day, and got my little timeline thingy all set up with both Asher and the new baby on there. It's cool to be able to see what is going on with baby and to see what Asher should be up to any given week. I mostly use it for looking up baby names, as ~~we're~~ I'm obsessed with them! They have a cool tool where you can look up suggested sibling names based on your existing child's name. One of the suggestions for Asher? Sheniqua! LOL I nearly died when I read that! I've never actually known anyone named Sheniqua!

Anyway, yesterday, I looked at the communities they have and joined the January 2011 group. I didn't post anything or comment but I looked around. It kind of freaked me out that a lot of them were saying they felt sick already, and I'm not. However, my mom assures me that she never really felt sick until 8 weeks with any of her pregnancies and she never felt sick at all with me! (I told her it's because I'm awesome.) I've had an occasional bout of nausea the last week or so, but it could just be wishful thinking.

My favorite part of pregnancy so far? Nick laying his head on my belly and talking to the baby. He gives him/her pep talks about growing and tells them to be nice to me. It's about the cutest thing ever. I can't wait until we can feel the baby move externally!

That's about it. It's been pretty hot the past couple of days and I became very glad that I won't have to be ginormously pregnant in the middle of the summer. All in all, a Winter pregnancy will rock, I think. Also, my first blog-iversary is the 29th! Yay, me!

Nervous

2010-05-16T23:49:00.000-05:00

So, I'm pretty much a nervous wreck. I'm much calmer than I was before I got my two betas drawn, but I'm still quite freaked out by the whole thing. I keep thinking, "What if I'm wandering around assuming all is fine, and I get dealt a crushing blow at my 7w4d ultrasound?" I don't know if I can handle it. I keep thinking, "What if there's TWO babies in there?!" I'll freak out! I'll be super happy, of course, but fairly freaked out nonetheless. Basically, my mind is a constant tumult of "what if..." questions. It's all I can do to stop myself from testing nonstop (but, quite frankly, the lack of a bathroom at my house is a major deterrant). My problem is that we tried to hard to get pregnant with this child, and I love him or her so much already, that the idea of something going wrong is just heart breaking.

I know that I'm probably freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever. I know that God alone created this child and He is all-knowing and all-powerful. I know that He only gives us what we can handle. I know that I can't fix anything by worrying even for a second. I know all these things, but I feel like I'm needing a constant reminder about it. I'm catching myself freaking out over whatever and having to say, "Chill out!" I just pray that God will do whatever He sees fit with this pregnancy (and that it's also what I want. LOL), and that He will give me the strength to handle whatever is thrown at us.

My most recent freak-out-worthy thing (because I know you want to know): what I can and can't eat. Obviously, I cut out caffeine as soon as I saw that second line. But, what about when it hits Fall and we go to the apple orchard? Can I have apple cider? What about soft serve ice cream? I love me some DQ blizzards! Lunchmeat? I love Subway! Granted, I'd happily give up these items for this child that I have prayed so hard for, but so many of these things just sound totally off the wall! My mom had never even heard of the lunchmeat/soft serve thing, and she's been pregnant as recently as 5 years ago! Sheesh! So, that's what I'm freaking out about recently. I think I ate a blizzard during my two week wait, and I know I ate at subway and got a sub from the deli case at walmart! Ugh!

(This whole thing makes Nick and me think of the scene from Knocked Up where he says, "I'm gonna be sitting on the trampoline smoking crack, and you won't have anything to do!" lol)

Also, I know I shoudln't be dieting, per se, while I'm pregnant, but, being a fluffy gal naturally, how much do I really need to gain. Can I, like, not gain any weight? I worked so hard to take it off, I will have a panic attack if I see the number go back up! Haha! I plan to keep track of WW points still and go to the YMCA or walk, so hopefully it will all be good.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I have no doubt you'll hear more as the weeks and months progress.

Gorgeous Blogger Award

2010-05-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers, Mrs. Bee, nominated me for an award. I'm such a sucker for these things, they're so super fun! Thanks so much, Sass!

Here's the rules:

Accept and thank the person who gave it to you!
List 5 things about yourself
List 5 additional things you DON'T like
Then pick 5 people to give this lovely award to!

Lets see if I can think of 5 NEW things...

1. I love country music. Brad Paisley is my favorite. (I listen to other types, too, but country is my fav.)
2. I currently do not have a usable bathroom at my house. It's in the process of being renovated, which is awesome, but really inconvenient.
3. I picked out paint this morning for said bathroom. It's called "Cat's Eye Green." It's 2 shades lighter than the color of our towels, so I think it will look cool.
4. The US Census man sat in my car and made me do my census form (and my grandparent's form!) today. We never received one, and they never received my grandparent's.
5. I ate a taco salad-ish thing for lunch, and now I can't stop burping red onion.

5 Things I Hate...

1. Asian Beetles. In the spring and fall, they're EVERYWHERE at my house. It's awful.
2. My mom and dad's patriot crab that escapes all the time. Seriously, he almost got out the door once!
3. Not having a bathroom to use.
4. Unexpected and unneeded tears.
5. Waiting 3 weeks for an ultrasound!

5 Bloggers...(These will probably be repeats)...
1. Brenda because she's one of my bestiest besties! (Feel free to not link back to me if you repost this. lol)
2. Jess because I can't wait to "meet" miss Maddie!
3. Jamie because she is literally one of the most gorgeous women I know in real life. (You probably shouldn't link back to me, either. haha Wouldn't want my secrets getting out.)
4. Wishing4One because I like to think of us drinking (decaf) coffee in Egypt together.
5. Alisha because I dig her blogging addiction thoroughly, and her kids are so stinking cute.

Second Beta

2010-05-12T20:43:00.001-05:00

226!

That's double and then some!

Yay!

Ultrasound is scheduled for June 3. How will I make it that long? It's all I can do to not POAS every day so I can be sure it's all still good.

It's still a secret until after the ultrasound, though, so keep your traps shut!

So far, all 3 sets of our parents know, along with my best friend and my sister. But they've all been sworn to secrecy, as well.

Seriously, I'm going to need sedated between now and June 3!

Here's a graph I found online. I don't know what it means, but it's cool. lol

First Beta

2010-05-10T19:44:00.000-05:00

Status has it's privileges! I got my blood drawn at work this evening, and I already have my result!

84 at 14dpo!

Anything over 25 is pregnant, and the extensive googling that my mom and I have done leads me to believe this is a pretty good number. I imagine my RE's office will be calling me tomorrow to tell me, and I will tell them I already know. lol Hopefully they'll give me an order for another beta Wednesday, as I want to see if it doubles!

EEEK!

Super excited!

I'm SO praying that it doubles. I love this baby so much already.

Again, if you know me in real life, don't say a thing to anyone (or mention it on facebook!)!

Today's Test

2010-05-09T08:54:00.001-05:00

Here are my tests from today. The top is a Walmart brand, the bottom is First Response (the same as yesterday's). We are 13dpo/15dpt.

And here is yesterday's as a reminder:

Verdict?

2010-05-08T13:45:00.001-05:00

Can you see it? It's faint, but it's there, I think. It wouldn't still be trigger now, would it?!?!?!? 12dpo? EEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

One rule: if you know me in real life, don't tell ANYONE!!!!! Immediate family will be informed soon should it be true.

I'm so stinking nervous!

Prayer Request

2010-05-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

Hey, my lovelies, I'm in the midst of a hardcore clean-fest right now, so I'll make this quick.

I found out today that Nick's coworker's wife had her twins today, and the little boy passed away. I don't know the details, as of yet, as to what exactly happened, but I know they could use all the prayers they can get. The little girl is doing fine, as is Mom--or at least as fine as she can be. From what I've gathered, all was fine throughout the pregnancy (she was term for twins. 35ish weeks, I think.), so this came as quite a shock to everyone.

I, myself, have only met the wife once, but I've met Nick's friend multiple times and my heart just breaks for them. They also struggled to get pregnant, so it is a particularly hard blow. Prayers for everyone involved would be much appreciated.

I've got to get back to my cleaning, but I'm having a hard time focusing, myself.

We Love May!

2010-05-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

Hair cuts!

What a cheese-head!

Barefoot and (almost) naked!

The joy of living in the middle of nowhere!

Someone didn't want to go inside to take a shower!

(By the way, the trigger is mostly out of my system. There was a VERY faint line still present, but it was super faint.)

Half Way

2010-05-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

This has officially been the longest 2 week wait, EVER! It's not like I'm going stir crazy to test or anything, it's just that the last week has seemed about 3 months long. We're halfway through, though. Next Monday, I get my beta drawn. I'm going to get it drawn when I go to work that evening, so I imagine I won't get the results until Tuesday. But, I plan to test at home before then.

That brings me to a question: when should I test to see if the trigger's out of my system? Today has been 9 days since I took the trigger, but I'm only 7dpo (days post ovulation, to you lay-people). Should I test tomorrow, safe in the knowledge that 8dpo is too early to get a legit positive? That's what I'm leaning towards.

Then, when should I test for real? My thought was Sunday (13dpo), since I will have slept all night and therefore have more hormones built up. But, it's Mother's Day. That means it will be either really awesome if I get a positive, or really terrible when it's negative. I'm legitimately afraid that I'll be a blubbering mess at church (which doesn't look very good coming from the pastor's family's pew). Tell me what to do, people! Better yet, just guarantee me a positive!

Obligatory symptom check (even though everything's probably from my prometrium suppositories):

Boobs of Fury
Slight twinges/crampies occasionally
Emotional (I teared up watching a Hallmark commercial a little while ago)

A Contest

2010-04-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

My mom and I decided to enter a mother-daughter look alike contest one of our local newspapers is having for Mother's Day.

How do you think we'll do?

My Mom and Me

My Mom, Sister and Me

It really is a shame that it's not a sound-alike contest. My mom and I sound EXACTLY alike. We confuse my dad, my grandma, my siblings, my husband...EVERYONE! It's pretty awesome.

Riddle Me This, My Lovelies...

2010-04-27T09:11:00.000-05:00

What are the side effects of the trigger shot?

Weird temperature issues?

Ridiculous fatigue?

What about the prometrium suppositories?

I start those today, so it'd be nice to know what to expect.

I love you all so much, because you rock!

Sugar Doll

2010-04-26T21:49:00.000-05:00

My super blogger friend, Minta, nominated me for the Sugar Doll award. I'm not sure where it originated, but it seems fun nonetheless.

So, the rules are: I have to say 10 things about myself then give this award to 10 fellow bloggers.

10 Things About Me:

1. My middle name is Melodie. My mom thought it sounded like a song.
2. I have known by best friend for as long as I've known my husband. (Since 3rd grade)
3. My youngest cat, Latte, has a handful of stuffed toys that he drags around and leaves in random places after Asher goes to bed every night.
4. Asher almost got the middle name Nathaniel, but then we decided on David.
5. I love to read, and I read pretty fast. (Thanks, Mom!)
6. I lived in Minnesota for 4 years while I was a teenager.
7. I failed my driver's test the first time. (In my defense, it's a lot harder in MN than everywhere else.)
8. The feel of a fresh umbilical cord touching me sicks me out.
9. I have a habit of twisting the loose strings on things. Blankets, clothes, whatever. I've done it forever.
10. I have to wear a pink bridesmaids dress at an outdoor wedding in August.

10 Bloggers (in no particular order):
1. Krista
2. Brenda
3. Alisha
4. Jamie
5. Sass
6. Wishing4One
7. Infertili-T&A
8. Low Fat Lady
9. Jessica
10. Jenicini

Trigger Shy

2010-04-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

That is me with my trigger shots. Pardon how I look in that pic. I've been up since I got up last night to go to work, so I look like crap.

Well, after going yesterday for my ultrasound, we got the good news that both my follicles were 16mm. They said I should do one more night of follistim and come back this morning for one last ultrasound to see where the follies were, then decide whether I'd trigger today or tomorrow.

After searching high and low to find someone to take me since I worked last night, I finally got my grandma to take me. It was really kind of eerie how empty that place is on a Saturday morning! I got the same ultrasound tech that I had yesterday, and she is awesome. My follies are 18mm and 19mm! Yay! So, the nurse said for me to trigger sometime today, then do the timed you-know-what 24 hours and 36 hours after said shot.

So, here's my question: would be be bad to do it at 34 hours? I'm kind of not wanting to get up at 2am to do the deed, if you know what I mean. My other question is: how long does the trigger stay in my system? I know that it will turn a pregnancy test positive, so I don't want to get a false positive whenever I test. Should I just test in a week or so to see if it's out of my system, or is that too soon?

I love having you knowledgeable ladies as resources!

Thinking Thin Thursday and Randomness

2010-04-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm actually pretty pleased with myself this week. I managed to lose 3.6 pounds despite eating like crap for a couple of days while babysitting my siblings. I'm just glad I lost at all. After last week's pitiful results, it was a refreshing change of pace to see a smaller number on the scale. I even had to redo my weight loss ticker to account for it. My newest goal, in case you've forgotten, is to weigh what my license says I do. haha That just shows how very much of a lie my license is!

I can't remember how many days of exercise I got in. I know it was at least one. On Monday morning, Nick and I walked down a certain street in a nearby town that had a lot of houses for sale. It was close to 2 miles according to mapmyrun.com. I really need to do better with getting to the Y or going for a walk or whatever. My stupid work schedule is really not conducive to working out regularly. Asher and I did go and take an almost 2 mile walk this morning. Well, he rode in the stroller, I did all the work.

Anyway, I've been super into looking at houses for sale online recently. We love where our house is now. It's out in the middle of nowhere and close to family. We rent from my grandparents, so obviously we get a good deal on rent/utilities. It's big enough for us--we have an entire floor we don't use for anything but storage! If I was super fertile, I'd be happy with all the room to grow. But, as it is, I hardly see us needing an additional 3 bedrooms.

We have a laundry list of things we'd love to see in a new house. Central air being high on the list. It's kind of a pain in the butt to haul the window units down from upstairs every year, then haul them back up when it hits fall again. I'd love something with an open floor plan. I love the look of houses where you can be cooking or whatever in the kitchen and still associate with the other people in the house. We also only have one bathroom and it's about the size of a postage stamp. You could literally sit on the toilet and put a foot in the bath tub and wash your hands at the same time. lol It's also slowly sinking into the crawl space. But, my grandparents hired a guy to re-do it, so that complaint will soon not be an issue. (But it does bring up the fact that I feel guilty looking at houses when they're going to be re-doing the bathroom. It makes me feel like a terrible, ungrateful granddaughter.)

Then, comes the worry about money. The long-term plan is for me to reduce my hours at work so I can be home with Asher more, especially when it comes time to start the homeschooling. It worries me to take up a mortgage payment and utilities and property taxes and such, when I currently bring in half our income. You can find pretty decent houses around here for not a lot of money (nothing like you'd see on House Hunters, to which I attribute my sudden love for house hunting. Stupid HGTV.), so the payments wouldn't be terrible every month, but it still freaks me out. I'm a planner and organizer and it all messes with my system. lol

Wow. I didn't mean to ramble this much about it. If you've made it this far in my rambling, I'm impressed.

I go back for an ultrasound tomorrow, so hopefully my follicles are cooperating. I REALLY don't want to have to shell out more money for meds and wait at that freaking pharmacy again. I may shoot someone if I have to go there again.

In Which I Curse My Ovaries

2010-04-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

Two follicles.

Two.

One is 9mm, the other 8mm.

They're supposed to be 18mm.

I, evidently, have a ton of 4-6mm ones, too, but they don't count.

So, the PA upped my dosage to 150IU. She says, since I'm overweight, the meds don't work as well. Nothing like being constantly reminded that you're probably infertile because of your own fatness. I go back Friday at 11 for a repeat ultrasound.

This is all very inconvenient, since I have to work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights. I have to find someone to work part of my shift Friday night so I can maybe get a nap in between getting home from my appointment (which I will be attending on no sleep) and having to go back to work that night.

The kicker is that I waited for more than 90 minutes for one vial of the Follistim. Last time, I waited more than 2 hours for 4 meds, so I thought my chances were good of getting out of there within half an hour. No such luck. Of course, I get down to the pharmacy and ask to get a refill of the Follistim, which I was assured had been ordered previously, and they're like, "Well, we need the physcial prescription you were written previously to be able to refill it." Of course, the actual script is back at my house--2 hours away. So, I haul my butt all the way back up to the RE clinic and tell them the deal. They straighten it out, and I go back to the pharmacy and wait for more than an hour an a half. I was not happy.

Then, of course, is the fact that our pre-authorization isn't through yet, so all the meds are out of pocket. $257 later, I finally get to leave. So, today, I get to poke myself twice since I'll be finishing up my previous vial and starting a new one. Lovely.

I'm really hoping that my dumb ovaries kick into gear because I don't want to shell out more money and wait another 90 minutes for more Follistim. Plus, it would be mighty handy to have our trigger and subsequent timed intercourse fall over the weekend while I'm off work.

Of course, since I said that, it probably won't happen. ugh

Can you tell I'm in an awesome mood?

Don't Mock My Fat, Please

2010-04-19T17:22:00.000-05:00

So, after seeing Mrs.Bee's video of giving herself her Gonal-F injection, I thought it might be fun to do one, too. I sound like an idiot, I've decided. I'm not nearly as fun to listen to as Mrs.Bee is, with her awesome accent. But, without further chatter, here it is:

Thinking Thin Thursday

2010-04-15T06:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, right.

I suck.

0.4 pounds this week.

And that's with having hit the Y twice AND done the Wii Fit at least 3 or 4 times!

What the crap?!??!

Should we blame AF?

Let's go with that.

Or the fact that people at work keep bringing cookies and freaking cake in. How was my pre-menstrual (then just menstrual) self supposed to say no to cookies and cake? Ugh. Of course, I also went to supper with friends last night. I only had 2 tacos, but still, probably not great.

Also, today won't be any better. I have a STUPID 4 hour long nursing education at work (that they make us do 4 times per year), and they serve breakfast. Of course, I COULD take something healthy to eat, but I don't want to. If I'm going to sit through them yapping for 4 hours about things that have little bearing on my department, they're going to feed me, by golly! Then, I'm having lunch with my bestie as payment for her watching Ash while I go to the aforementioned meeting.

I'm a little irritated with life right now. Can you tell?

I've got 2 more nights of femara before starting the follistim. Ultrasound appointment is Tuesday morning. You can pray that all is well that day and I can trigger without having to go back for another appointment, because I work Wednesday-Thursday-Friday nights next week, so I really don't see how I'd fit in a 4 hour round trip to the doctor when I'll need to be sleeping. This whole infertility thing is really inconvenient.

Sorry to be a whiner.

She's HERE!

2010-04-11T12:36:00.002-05:00

The WITCH arrived yesterday.

Finally.

It took her long enough.

Sheesh.

Now I'm ready for her to leave again.

That is all.

Thinking Thin Thursday

2010-04-08T23:30:00.008-05:00

So, I realized that I forgot to do a "Thinking Thin Thursday" post last week in all the post-adoption excitement. Sorry about that. I only broke even anyway, which is better than gaining, in my personal opinion.

This week, I lost 1.2 pounds, which is pretty good considering that I ate like crap all week! lol We got our Wii Fit in the mail at the end of last week, so we've been doing that regularly. I think any little bit helps, don't you? We're both highly competitive, so we like to see who is better at what. He's better than me at pretty much everything, so when I do beat him at something, there's a lot of gloating and smack talk involved.

On another note, AF has STILL not showed up. If it hits Monday and she hasn't arrived, I'm calling the RE to see what to do. I just want to get on with this next cycle, already! Ugh!

Adoption Day!

2010-04-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, this little dude

OFFICIALLY became Asher David!

(And, yes, I think this judge was a hobbit.)

We had LOTS of family there...

Like my Dad's side of my family (except my Dad)

And Nick's family (except his sister and her husband)

And my Mom's side of my family (except my sister, her fiance and my niece. And Brenda.)

And my grandparents

And another of my grandmas

(who wouldn't open her eyes in either picture we took!)

Unfortunately, Ash popped a high fever that afternoon and required a trip to the doctor.

We are SO happy that it was finalized!

Here is our first OFFICIAL family picture!