Nervous

So, I'm pretty much a nervous wreck.  I'm much calmer than I was before I got my two betas drawn, but I'm still quite freaked out by the whole thing.  I keep thinking, "What if I'm wandering around assuming all is fine, and I get dealt a crushing blow at my 7w4d ultrasound?"  I don't know if I can handle it.  I keep thinking, "What if there's TWO babies in there?!"  I'll freak out!  I'll be super happy, of course, but fairly freaked out nonetheless.  Basically, my mind is a constant tumult of "what if..." questions.  It's all I can do to stop myself from testing nonstop (but, quite frankly, the lack of a bathroom at my house is a major deterrant).  My problem is that we tried to hard to get pregnant with this child, and I love him or her so much already, that the idea of something going wrong is just heart breaking.

I know that I'm probably freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever.  I know that God alone created this child and He is all-knowing and all-powerful.  I know that He only gives us what we can handle.  I know that I can't fix anything by worrying even for a second.  I know all these things, but I feel like I'm needing a constant reminder about it.  I'm catching myself freaking out over whatever and having to say, "Chill out!"  I just pray that God will do whatever He sees fit with this pregnancy (and that it's also what I want. LOL), and that He will give me the strength to handle whatever is thrown at us. 

My most recent freak-out-worthy thing (because I know you want to know): what I can and can't eat.  Obviously, I cut out caffeine as soon as I saw that second line.  But, what about when it hits Fall and we go to the apple orchard?  Can I have apple cider?  What about soft serve ice cream?  I love me some DQ blizzards!  Lunchmeat?  I love Subway!  Granted, I'd happily give up these items for this child that I have prayed so hard for, but so many of these things just sound totally off the wall!  My mom had never even heard of the lunchmeat/soft serve thing, and she's been pregnant as recently as 5 years ago!  Sheesh!  So, that's what I'm freaking out about recently.  I think I ate a blizzard during my two week wait, and I know I ate at subway and got a sub from the deli case at walmart!  Ugh!

(This whole thing makes Nick and me think of the scene from Knocked Up where he says, "I'm gonna be sitting on the trampoline smoking crack, and you won't have anything to do!"  lol)

Also, I know I shoudln't be dieting, per se, while I'm pregnant, but, being a fluffy gal naturally, how much do I really need to gain.  Can I, like, not gain any weight?  I worked so hard to take it off, I will have a panic attack if I see the number go back up!  Haha!  I plan to keep track of WW points still and go to the YMCA or walk, so hopefully it will all be good.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I have no doubt you'll hear more as the weeks and months progress.

An Award...

...but not one of those cute blog-reader-nominated ones.  This one is self-awarded.  I win the "World's Worst Blogger" award.  I know, big shocker.  I don't know what's up with me lately.  I guess there's just not a lot going on, so I don't have anything blog-worthy to talk about.  I did schedule my appointment with the RE (thanks to those of you who reminded me), so January 14th, I'll be making the trek to Iowa City. 

Nick and I decided that, in lieu of actual gifts for our anniversary, Christmas, and his birthday, we'd take a trip to Chicago on the train for 2 nights.  All the important things are booked already: train tickets, hotel, and Blue Man Group tickets.  Other than that, we're kind of going to fly by the seat of our pants.  One of my good online friends is going to be in Chicago the same days, so we're going to meet and do some Michigan Avenue/Watertower Place shopping and do lunch.  Oh yeah!  We're all super-excited!

Nick's been working a lot.  In addition to his 40 hour week at his real job, he does freelance stuff on the side.  He got embroiled in a project that is taking longer than anyone guessed it would, so he's been working non-stop it seems.  I'm praying that it'll wind down soon, so he'll be able to enjoy his Christmas break (since he is a U of I employee, he gets off Christmas Eve through the 4th of January!  That's nice work if you can get it!).  I've been busy buying his stocking stuffers, as we decided to go ahead with stockings so we'd have something to open Christmas morning.  Hopefully, he'll like them!  (I'd tell you what they are, but he's one of my readers, and I don't want to spoil it!)

We're in the middle of a winter storm, here.  I love winter, but only when I get to stay home.  But, as has been the case with pretty much every winter storm in the last 5 years, I have to drive to work tonight.  That's right, I have to borrow my grandpa's truck to drive to the hospital for my 11-7 shift tonight (and tomorrow!).  Joy.  These flipping storms NEVER hit when I can just enjoy family time.  Instead I get the joy of risking my life (and someone's new vehicle) so I can go to work.  Add to that that I live literally in the middle of nowhere, and I've come to the conclusion that adult life sucks.

While I'm complaining, I'd like to ask if anyone has ever noticed that pregnancy announcements come in threes?  They say that about death, too.  The most recent three in my life all became known on facebook within 48 hours of each other.  If it weren't so depressing, it would almost be comical.  Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER happy for all 3 of these couples.  They're doing it right, and they'll make great parents!  But, it's so easy to get into the "what about me?" cycle.  Whether it's "we've been married longer, why can't that be us?" or "They already have kids, why can't we spread some fertility around here?!?" (That sounds messy), I can always think of some reason why I "deserve it" more than they do. 

The fact is, though, that that is wrong of me.  But I don't know how to change it.  How to do I fix that my gut reaction to someone's pregnancy announcement is self-pity? While I outwardly congratulate them and ask all the right questions, inwardly I'm dying a little inside.  It's a little better with people who I know also struggle with infertility, as they've been where I am and I hope people will be happy for us if it ever happens.  But, I still find myself playing the "they've only been trying for 2 years, and we're a week away from our 3 year mark!" card.  I'm seriously seeking advice here, as I really would like to get over it already.

I like how I always claim to have nothing to blog about, then my blog posts are a million hours long. haha  Awesome.

Stupid Hormones...

First, a little back story.  Every year, Nick and I get each other a Christmas ornament.  It's fun to look for the perfect one, and it's fun to see the ones from previous years and reminisce about Christmases past.  We've been doing this since Christmas #1, so we each have 6 ornaments from the other on our tree.  (Of course, we also got married at Christmastime, so we have roughly a million "First Christmas Together" ornaments, a lot of which are ugly.) 

Anyway, this year, I've had a hard time finding one that I liked.  Then, I ran across some Willow Tree ornaments, which I think are gorgeous.  He got me one of them one year (2004?), and I love it.  I was thinking to myself, "Oh! Maybe they have a father and son one? That would be cute!"  Well, they don't, but they do have some figurines that are adorable.  That's when my hormones decided to kick in for some reason, and I found myself getting choked up looking at FIGURINES!  Figurines, for Pete's sake!

First, it was this one.

Then, this one blew up my screen.

As if THAT wasn't bad enough, this one hit me right in the gut.

The icing on the cake was this one.

I have one thing to say to you, Willow Tree.  You and I are broken up for the rest of the day.  Don't call again.

The Witch Has Arrived

Well, she arrived in full force on Saturday.  Lucky me.  I'll be picking up my femara tonight in conjunction with some much-needed grocery shopping.  I feel terrible, because I just don't feel like it's going to work, but third time's the charm, right? *eye roll*  Nick maintains his ever-optimistic point of view, though.  I suppose one of us should.

Speaking of Nick, he called the insurance company today to inquire about a few things:

• Why are our bills from office visits with no procedures costing us more than $200 out of pocket?
• Why did a single tube of blood and it's subsequent lab-running cost nearly $300?
• What will we need to do when we go back to do our HSG/IUI/any procedure?
• Why do we have to spend thousands of dollars to do something that lots of women get to do for free? (He didn't really ask them this, but their answer would have been something like, "To keep us in business!")
  

I was on the edge of my seat...er...couch...to hear what they had to say.  I was envisioning an "Oh! We've made a mistake! Let us send you a bunch of money!" kind of conversation.  No.Such.Luck.

Basically, after we hit our deductible (it gets fuzzy after this because I literally understand nothing about insurance), they pay 90% until we've paid $1200 out of pocket for the year, then they pay 100%.  They said I've hit my deductible (yay), so they're paying 90% at this point.  This begs the question: Where, in the name of all that is holy, do they get off charging $2000 for 30 minutes in a doctor's office?!?  Unless I'm doing the math wrong, the fact that I've paid $200 for office visits, and Cigna is paying 90%, says to me that the office visits cost $2000!  Please tell me I'm wrong!  Nick forgot to ask them about the lab work, so he'll call them back soon to talk about that.

As for the procedures, we have to get pre-authorization on a procedure by procedure basis.  Is this normal?  I guess I was thinking/hoping/assuming that it would just be an umbrella pre-auth.  What I want to know is how long they're going to take to do the authorization once we tell them we are doing a procedure.  I mean, if I'm only given a week or two of warning beforehand, will that be enough time, or will I be paying out of pocket for the joy of someone shooting dye up my fallopian tubes?  I just don't know.  I mean, I guess I should be happy that we even HAVE infertility coverage, but it's such a pain in the butt, know what I mean?  They DO cover AI, IUI, and certain types of IVF (I've been putting off doing any overt research on IVF in the hopes that I won't ever need it).  However, we have MedCo for prescriptions and I hate them.  They're all about 30 day supplies of stuff, even though we keep trying to explain to them that I only need 10 pills or a week's worth of antibiotics or whatever.  ugh  It makes me wish I drank!

Anyway, this post is getting longer than I was expecting it to, and I'm sure it's bored you to death.  I'm very sorry.  Hopefully soon, my hormones will make me be in a better mood and all my posts won't be whiny.  One can only hope.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Seems like a strange "holiday," doesn't it?

However, for the thousands of families who have been touched by miscarriage, still birth or infant/child loss, it's a day that draws some much-needed attention.  There are women who get pregnant and get the joy of being totally oblivious to beta numbers, progesterone levels, and symptom checking.  They go about their merry ways and 40-ish weeks later...VOILA! A beautiful, pink squirming baby arrives and every one cheers.  They continue on with life, repeating the cycle a handful of times.  I have nothing against these women. I am related to or friends with many of them.  I love them with all my heart.  But, they will never know the pain of seeing that bright red blood on the toilet paper for the first time.  They will never have to be told by a doctor, "I'm sorry, but the baby has no heartbeat."  They will never be called out of a dead sleep by a nurse or doctor to be told to come to the NICU to spend the last few minutes or hours their baby will spend on this earth.  They will never have the sheer terror of going to retrieve their infant out of their crib, and seeing that SIDS has taken their beautiful, perfect baby from them.  The list goes on and on...

While, I unfortunately have to be a member of this "club," it's not for myself that I am overcome with sadness today.  For me, I would have been blissfully unaware of my miscarriage had I not chosen to test when I did.  I sometimes wonder if that would have been better.  However, I think it gives me a little peek of understanding into the lives of these unwitting club members.  My heart is broken today for the women who got to enjoy the internal presence of their babies for weeks or months or a full 40 weeks, only to have to unexpectedly say goodbye.  I know their pain must be a hundred times worse than the pain I felt upon seeing that second line had disappeared.

I'd like to ask you, my lovelies, to join me in prayer for these women and families today.  There are two families in the forefront of my mind today.  Perhaps you'd like to join me in prayer for them?

My sister found out yesterday that she has suffered a third miscarriage.  She was about 12 weeks.  She was given no warning...no sudden lessening of sickness or fatigue...no bleeding or cramping...nothing.  She had to be told by a dis-compassionate midwife that "the baby is dead and has no heartbeat."  She had to hear her precious baby referred to as "tissue" to be removed.  To top it off, she has to walk around for almost a week knowing that her baby is no longer with her, but is still very much with her.  Her D+C is scheduled for next Tuesday.  My heart is broken for her, and I wish I knew what I could do to help her other than answering her questions and just being present for her should she need me.  And, of course, letting her know that God knows her pain, because He, too, had to give up a child.

The other family are the ones I shared with you previously.  These internet friends of mine have just had to bury their 2nd child in 11 months.  The first was a still birth, and the most recent was born at 35 weeks and found to unexpectedly have a genetic defect.  This family is handling this with such grace and love that it warms my heart.  They've been able to take a trip as a couple and know that their two girls, Casey and Avery, would have wanted it that way.  I pray that God will wrap His arms around them and help them to know that their girls are with Him.

I'm sure you know of other families affected by pregnancy or infant loss.  I'd love to know who they are so I can pray with you for them today.

The Ubiquitous Single Line

Ugh.

I mean, really?

I can't think of any 3 minute increments that I hate more than the 3 minutes between the dip and the read.

Perhaps you've lived this scene, as well?
Disposable cup with fresh pee?  Check!
Ridiculously expensive stick with absorbent tip?  Oh yeah!
Husband standing by to say, "I'm sorry, baby"?  You know it!
Knowledge that there will only be 1 line there, but secretly hoping to see 2?  Unfortunately, yes.
Working very hard to throw yourself into making muffins, all the while being unable to function at a normal level? Yep!

I lived it (again!) this morning.  I knew it would be negative, but I wanted to get it over with.  I'll be starting my provera on Thursday, and we have one more refill of Femara left.  I'm thinking we'll do this last cycle, and take the rest of the year off.  I'll try to get a January appointment with the RE, to move on to the next step.

But, in the meantime, in the back of my mind, I always see a single pink line...

Then, I begin to feel bad that I get so down about my infertility, when there are people with much bigger issues to work through.

Case in point, a very good internet friend of mine unexpectedly lost her newborn daughter to a genetic defect they didn't know she had before she was born a week and a half ago.  To make matters worse, last November, this same couple lost an unborn daughter midway through the pregnancy with no warning.  No one should have to bury one child, much less two in 11 months!  Please keep this couple in your prayers at this difficult time.

*This Could Get Depressing, You've Been Warned!*

I'm not feeling like myself. It's hard to explain. Between people I know getting pregnant, shelling out $400 for an unsuccessful cycle (infertility coverage, my behind!), realizing that said infertility is coming up on 3 years in length, I'm having a hard time being my usual, upbeat self.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the people who are expecting, I really am! I don't think people should stop having kids until I can catch up, or anything. (Although...) However, it is hard when I realize that, while I'm still trying to attain my first viable pregnancy, some uber-fertile women are on their second or third. Add to that the fact that some of these women are having their babies in less-than-perfect situations, and I have a hard time not wallowing in my own self-pity.

However, in times like this, I am extra-thankful for Asher. While I realize that I may never be blessed with my own birth children, I am still blessed beyond words to have him in my life.

Have I reached the point where I can honestly say I'd be happy just having Nick and Asher in my little family? Not quite yet. I think about the scene toward the end of "Facing the Giants" (have you seen that? You should!) where the wife has just gotten done at the doctor and found out she's not pregnant. She's praying while getting into her truck and says she's realized that she CAN be happy without children. She's crying, and of course, the audience is crying. (I seriously start crying at the beginning of that movie and just never stop. It's terrible.) Anyway, my point is, I haven't reached that point. How do I get there? Does it just take a lot of time? I REALLY hope this doesn't go on long enough for me to have to think that way.

I get down-trodden thinking that I may never get the joy of buying Asher an "I'm the Big Brother" shirt. Or get to slip an ultrasound picture nonchalantly into a Christmas card to give to new grandparents. Or see the joy on the faces of my husband and son as they feel a baby kicking within my womb. Or that I may never get to see Nick hold a brand-new baby in his strong arms--a tiny baby we created together.

Unfortunately, these are the things I've been thinking about recently, and I wish I could make it stop.