Sunday, October 16, 2011


It's been almost 4 months since I've written on here.

I sign in daily and read the blogs I follow. I look at that "last posted on" date and think to myself, "Huh. I should maybe do something about that." Then, I don't. I read the blogs, sign out, and go on about my day.

Truth is, I feel like there's nothing to say. I mean, sure, there's a lot going on, but does it even interest anyone?

We're at a standstill, infertility-wise. Not agreeing on the next step= no next step until an agreement can be made.

The funny thing is, the world keeps going on. While I'm sitting here watching everyone I know move on with their lives, I feel like I'm stuck. As I see more and more pregnancy announcements in real life and on facebook, it hardly affects me any more, just a shrug of the shoulders, and a vague memory of when that would send me headlong into tears and a pity party. While that sounds like it might be a good thing, "Oh! You're dealing with it! You're moving forward!" I'm not sure that's the case. I think it's more a numbness that has moved in. A defense mechanism, really. What is a body to do when assaulted regularly by reminders of something it has fought tooth and nail to do only to fail over and over again? Shut down. Not let it affect you. Don't give any time to that darkness that threatens to creep in. Throw yourself into something else.

What have I been re-routing my efforts into, you ask? Well, almost 9 weeks ago, we got a foster placement. A two-week-old baby was placed with us temporarily while the foster family she was supposed to go to got their licensure straightened out. She is a sweet, sweet baby. She is a cuddle-bug, and is starting to sleep longer at night--a fact for which we are very thankful. Everyone one in our family loves her.

Anyway, long story short, what was supposed to be a 3-4 week placement has turned into "Maybe she will be moved there by the end of October. Maybe." Don't get me wrong, we love having her. If they asked me right now, "Hey! You want to keep her?" I'd look at them like they'd grown a second head and say, "Duh!" However, since we know she is going elsewhere, I wish they would hurry up and get it done. The longer she is with us, the more it will really suck when she leaves.

You know the worst part? Seeing how much Nick loves her. I watch him with her and see how he lights up when she smiles at him. I see how he talks to her and cuddles her and sleeps with her next to him on the couch and it breaks my heart. My sorrow is twofold: First, she will be leaving soon. What is it going to do to him when she leaves? How will he react when he realizes that his best friend's baby is the same age as she is? They were born a day apart, and he is going to watch her grow up and remember daily that she isn't with us any more.

Second, he is experiencing with her something I may never be able to give him. I may never get to see him cuddle and coo and smile at a baby that we know won't be moved elsewhere. I may never get to watch him as he learns the ins and outs of newborn care with a baby that looks like us.

The whole situation dredges up feelings that I always try to bury. Why can crack-heads, child-abusers, and every other person who has no business having children have baby after baby with no problem, when no amount of work on my part can get it done? Sometimes, it actually feels like a physical pain. It's like seeing her with him tears open, again and again, the wound that is trying to heal from a miscarriage and nearly 5 years of infertility.

Let me make clear that I don't blame her for any of this. None of this is her fault. We have been blessed to take care of her and help her in the part of her life where she's been the most helpless and required the most work. While I know she won't remember us, I hope she grows up to be a healthy, well-adjusted woman partly because of the care we have given her.

So, there you have it. A long blog-absence, and an explanation for part of it.