Saturday, July 31, 2010

Some August Fun...Maybe

So, my good buddy, Sass (we've never actually met, but I think we'd be total buds if we knew each other in real life.) is doing this 30 days of blog posts thing, and I think I'm going to give it the old college try in August.  Stay tuned...and try to keep me on track!

Day 1 - your favourite song

Day 2 - your favourite movie

Day 3 - your favourite television program

Day 4 - your favourite book

Day 5 - your favourite quote

Day 6 - 20 of my favourite things

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9 - a photo you took

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11 - a photo of you recently

Day 12 - something you are OCD about

Day 13 - a fictional book

Day 14 - a non-fictional book

Day 15 - your dream house

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19 - a talent of yours

Day 20 - a hobby of yours

Day 21 - a recipe

Day 22 - a website

Day 23 - a youtube video

Day 24 - where I live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - my worst habit

Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Conundrum

So, I decided to give my RE's office a call to let them know about the miscarriage and ask what our plan would be for when we started trying again.  (On a completely side note, I just had to say the phrase, "Stop licking your magnifying glass!"  What kind of life do I live?!  lol)  The nurse called me back yesterday afternoon right before closing time.  She wanted to know the story (which is getting easier and easier to recount without getting all emotional...not that I want to talk about it a bunch), and she said she'd have to talk to a doctor, but probably they'd just have me start the provera at some point and call for my baseline.  Then, they'd just do a cycle like the one we got pregnant with: femara and follistim.  I asked her if they'd start me at 150, since they'd had to up me from the 100 and she said that would probably be the plan.  I asked her if I should just start my provera mid-August (safe in the knowledge that it will be late-August/early-September when my period starts), and she said she'd ask the doctor that, too when she talked to him.

So, I get a call this morning from a nurse saying that the previous nurse had talked to the doctor (one that I hadn't met yet.  I always forget how many stinking doctors there are there!), and he said I could start my provera NOW!  I was pretty surprised to hear this, as Dr.S had been explicit in her instructions about waiting 2 cycles/8 weeks.  I mentioned this to the nurse, with the addendum that Dr. S had been concerned that my lining wouldn't be sufficient to carry a pregnancy if I tried again too soon.  "But, I imagine that's a non-issue since they'll do ultrasounds, right?"  The nurse agreed.

So, here's my problem (finally, I know!): do I go ahead and start it once I pick up my provera?  Or do I wait?  On the plus side, it is sooner and we could ditch the condoms!  LOL!  On the other side, we had ourselves emotionally ready for starting in September.  Also, if I start the provera soon, AF will probably arrive right in time for my sister's (outdoor) wedding on August 13, and, if we get pregnant, we'd be due right when my brother will be graduating from high school in May.  I'd really rather not be bleeding profusely in a bridesmaids dress or miss my brother's graduation, so probably I'll wait a week or so before taking the provera, should we decide to go that way.  Nick and I still need to talk about it, so a decision has not been made yet, I just wanted your opinions!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Long Post...I'm Sorry

I know! I know!  I'm a bad, bad blogger.  Feel free to give me a slap on the hand (or whatever the punshment is for ignoring your own blog for 18 days while still reading the blogs on your reader).  I really have no excuse.  I'm no busier than usual.  I'm not wallowing in self-loathing or depression (at least not any more than usual).  I don't know, really.  I just felt kind of detached.


The farther in the past the miscarriage is, the better I feel, mentally and emotionally.  Physically, I'm fine.  I finally stopped bleeding after more than 2 flipping weeks! Ugh!  Other than finding out at my post-op appointment that we needed to use "some form of protection" for the next 2 cycles (more on that later), the appointment went as expected.  Just a quick check up the hoo-ha and Dr.S was done.  I literally waited for her under the tiny piece of paper for longer than she was in the room.  No big deal, really.

Usually at least once a day I am confronted by something that makes me pause and have to prevent myself from bursting into tears.  If it's not 3 facebook friends due in early 2011 posting ultrasound pictures or talking about their pregnancies, it's a stupid Apple iPhone commercial that has me threatening to throw something large at my flat screen Toshiba.  (I bet you a million dollars that all you IFers out there have seen that commercial and wanted to do something similar.  I also bet you a million dollars that you non-IFers have seen that commercial and thought about how adorable it is.  I take cash or check.)  But even silly little things bring on my emotions: a paper chain counting down the days until a birthday (we'd made a paper chain with my siblings of the weeks to go until the baby was to be born), sitting in a hot tub at a hotel and realizing that I hadn't planned to be able to do that on that trip, or looking at a calendar and realizing that I should be just into my second trimester now. 

But, none of the aforementioned things has hurt as much as attending a Catholic wedding this past weekend.  (I apologize now if you're Catholic--I have no problem with you personally, I assure you.)  There were NO fewer than 5 instances during the ceremony where they mentioned that the couple is obligated to have a million children.  At first, I was just like, "Oh, well, that's nice."  Then, it became almost comical.  Then, it became tragic and I began to picture what I could do to make a scene and run away.  (Most of my ideas involved throwing the incense ball at someone.)  Then, it got even worse when we got to the reception and I realized that there were pregnant women and babies everywhere!  I'm not even exaggerating!  Right behind me was a table with two babies, and there was another table across the reception hall that literally had a stack of baby car seats next to it!  A stack, I tells ya!  I saw baby bellies of various gestations, most of them sitting right near me as if they could smell the infertility and miscarriage on me and thought they'd share the love.  To make matters worse, on my way to the bathroom, they all seemed to be having some sort of "Baby and Baby Bump" photo shoot--right by the bathroom!  Seriously, people?!  Stop it!  One dad was walking around and dancing with a cute little red-headed baby, and I told Nick that I couldn't handle it any more and I needed to find more money for the cash bar.

Anyway, I'm over it now (, I just thought I'd share it with you all because, had I seen it in a movie, I would have laughed.  Or, at least I would have 5 years ago, before all this infertility stuff started.  It makes me think of the opening scene of "Baby Mama," where she sees babies everywhere and it's like they're mocking her.  That's really what it was (and is) like! 

Speaking of "Baby Mama," I got my explanation of benefits from my insurance company from my D+C.  Guess how much I'll have to pay my place of work for the joy of getting knocked out and having the "products of conception" removed from by body (I've always hated that phrase, by the way.)?  Take a guess!  $47!  Yep!  You may say, "Well, that's awesome!"  To that I say, "I paid $1000 on the cycle I got pregnant!  That's not a very good return on my investment!"  (There is the scene in Baby Mama where she says, "It costs more to have someone born than killed!"  That's where I got the segueway...vague, I know.)

But, at least we'd gotten our pre-authorization for infertility treatment taken care of right before we found out we were pregnant.  So, hopefully, subsequent cycles will not take as much money, as it will be covered more thoroughly by our insurance.  My plan (although I haven't really talked it over with Nick yet.  Oops.) will be to try again in September.  Dr.S said we have to avoid getting pregnant for 2 cycles because my lining would be insufficient to maintain a pregnancy and I could miscarry again.  To this I said, "But, um, what about the fact that I just don't have cycles?"  She told me to wait 8 weeks, and that we have use protection until then.  To which I responded, "Huh?  Like, I need to go buy condoms?  Seriously?  It took us 3 1/2 years and fairly significant medical intervention to get this far, what are the odds?!"  She said she was serious and found it amusing that I didn't just happen to have condoms lying around.  (What possible reason would I have to have them?  Hello!)  So, after an embarrasing trip to Target, we are now the proud owners of condoms (which we both hate, by the way).  I feel like a high schooler or something.  It's really pretty dumb.  But, we really would rather be safe than sorry, so I guess we'll do what she says.  ugh.

Wow!  For a person who claimed to not have anything to say, I certainly ramble a lot.  I'm very sorry.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Why'd You Have to Go and Make Things So Complicated?

So, I went back to work Wednesday night amidst killer cramps off and on.  I came to the conclusion, that maybe I just had gas (I know, I you people wanted to know this...) or something.  You girls know how everything down there can be a little too sensitive at times.  Anyway, I tried to "walk it out," but nothing seemed to be helping.  I worked my shift, went home, had a bowl of cereal, took more ibuprofen and went to bed, praying it would stop so I could sleep as I was supposed to return to work Thursday night.

Enter 12:00pm.  I woke up in pain like I've never felt before.  I decided to try and use the restroom and I was successful, but it still hurt pretty bad.  I laid back down and tossed and turned for about an hour before I couldn't handle the pain any more.  I felt like there had to be something I could do to make it feel better, but there was no position I could be in that alleviated the discomfort.  In the mean time, I was sweating profusely and nauseous and had my head in a bucket and was praying for death.  Eventually, I called Nick at work and he made me call my doctor.  She was next door (at my work) delivering a baby, so I had to wait until about 15 minutes later to find out what she wanted me to do.  (By this time, it was like 3 or 3:15)  She wanted to see me.  SO...I grab my bucket (I hadn't used it, I only threatened to) and the things I'd need for work and met Nick halfway.  He drove, and I was in excruciating pain.

We got there and pretty much got right in.  At one point he said to me, "If it's any consolation, you look miserable, so I don't think anyone thinks you're lying!" lol  Dr. S came in and spent about 15 minutes cleaning out old stuff from up there.  It was a highly pleasant experience, as you can imagine.  I was sweaty and nauseous and my legs started shaking, but when she was done, I felt SOOOO much better.  She gave me a prescription for 12 methergine (which I take 4 times per day!) and some Tylenol #3 along with a note to stay off work until Monday.  She also told me to stay on top of my ibuprofen.  We went over to the hospital to give the note to my boss, who was getting ready to leave when I walked in.  She was obviously not too thrilled, as we are CRAZY short-staffed on nights right now, but she understood.  (Probably, I still looked crazy and shaky and pale, too, so that helped.) 

We headed to walmart to get my scripts filled and got a few things for Asher's birthday while we waited, then headed home and had pizza and birthday cupcakes under the influence of Tylenol #3.  I highly recommend it!  I'm feeling much better now.  Still crampy off and on, but nothing like how I was feeling before seeing Dr.S yesterday.  She said what I was feeling was probably similar to labor, at which point I told her to give me an epidural!  She was SO very nice and sat with me for awhile after she got done to make sure I was doing ok. 

We're just praying for no more complications!  Won't you join me?