Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Long Post...I'm Sorry

I know! I know!  I'm a bad, bad blogger.  Feel free to give me a slap on the hand (or whatever the punshment is for ignoring your own blog for 18 days while still reading the blogs on your reader).  I really have no excuse.  I'm no busier than usual.  I'm not wallowing in self-loathing or depression (at least not any more than usual).  I don't know, really.  I just felt kind of detached.


The farther in the past the miscarriage is, the better I feel, mentally and emotionally.  Physically, I'm fine.  I finally stopped bleeding after more than 2 flipping weeks! Ugh!  Other than finding out at my post-op appointment that we needed to use "some form of protection" for the next 2 cycles (more on that later), the appointment went as expected.  Just a quick check up the hoo-ha and Dr.S was done.  I literally waited for her under the tiny piece of paper for longer than she was in the room.  No big deal, really.

Usually at least once a day I am confronted by something that makes me pause and have to prevent myself from bursting into tears.  If it's not 3 facebook friends due in early 2011 posting ultrasound pictures or talking about their pregnancies, it's a stupid Apple iPhone commercial that has me threatening to throw something large at my flat screen Toshiba.  (I bet you a million dollars that all you IFers out there have seen that commercial and wanted to do something similar.  I also bet you a million dollars that you non-IFers have seen that commercial and thought about how adorable it is.  I take cash or check.)  But even silly little things bring on my emotions: a paper chain counting down the days until a birthday (we'd made a paper chain with my siblings of the weeks to go until the baby was to be born), sitting in a hot tub at a hotel and realizing that I hadn't planned to be able to do that on that trip, or looking at a calendar and realizing that I should be just into my second trimester now. 

But, none of the aforementioned things has hurt as much as attending a Catholic wedding this past weekend.  (I apologize now if you're Catholic--I have no problem with you personally, I assure you.)  There were NO fewer than 5 instances during the ceremony where they mentioned that the couple is obligated to have a million children.  At first, I was just like, "Oh, well, that's nice."  Then, it became almost comical.  Then, it became tragic and I began to picture what I could do to make a scene and run away.  (Most of my ideas involved throwing the incense ball at someone.)  Then, it got even worse when we got to the reception and I realized that there were pregnant women and babies everywhere!  I'm not even exaggerating!  Right behind me was a table with two babies, and there was another table across the reception hall that literally had a stack of baby car seats next to it!  A stack, I tells ya!  I saw baby bellies of various gestations, most of them sitting right near me as if they could smell the infertility and miscarriage on me and thought they'd share the love.  To make matters worse, on my way to the bathroom, they all seemed to be having some sort of "Baby and Baby Bump" photo shoot--right by the bathroom!  Seriously, people?!  Stop it!  One dad was walking around and dancing with a cute little red-headed baby, and I told Nick that I couldn't handle it any more and I needed to find more money for the cash bar.

Anyway, I'm over it now (obviously...lol), I just thought I'd share it with you all because, had I seen it in a movie, I would have laughed.  Or, at least I would have 5 years ago, before all this infertility stuff started.  It makes me think of the opening scene of "Baby Mama," where she sees babies everywhere and it's like they're mocking her.  That's really what it was (and is) like! 

Speaking of "Baby Mama," I got my explanation of benefits from my insurance company from my D+C.  Guess how much I'll have to pay my place of work for the joy of getting knocked out and having the "products of conception" removed from by body (I've always hated that phrase, by the way.)?  Take a guess!  $47!  Yep!  You may say, "Well, that's awesome!"  To that I say, "I paid $1000 on the cycle I got pregnant!  That's not a very good return on my investment!"  (There is the scene in Baby Mama where she says, "It costs more to have someone born than killed!"  That's where I got the segueway...vague, I know.)

But, at least we'd gotten our pre-authorization for infertility treatment taken care of right before we found out we were pregnant.  So, hopefully, subsequent cycles will not take as much money, as it will be covered more thoroughly by our insurance.  My plan (although I haven't really talked it over with Nick yet.  Oops.) will be to try again in September.  Dr.S said we have to avoid getting pregnant for 2 cycles because my lining would be insufficient to maintain a pregnancy and I could miscarry again.  To this I said, "But, um, what about the fact that I just don't have cycles?"  She told me to wait 8 weeks, and that we have use protection until then.  To which I responded, "Huh?  Like, I need to go buy condoms?  Seriously?  It took us 3 1/2 years and fairly significant medical intervention to get this far, what are the odds?!"  She said she was serious and found it amusing that I didn't just happen to have condoms lying around.  (What possible reason would I have to have them?  Hello!)  So, after an embarrasing trip to Target, we are now the proud owners of condoms (which we both hate, by the way).  I feel like a high schooler or something.  It's really pretty dumb.  But, we really would rather be safe than sorry, so I guess we'll do what she says.  ugh.

Wow!  For a person who claimed to not have anything to say, I certainly ramble a lot.  I'm very sorry.


Anonymous July 20, 2010 at 8:33 AM  

Glad to see you're getting back into the blogging. Was getting worried about you.

I gotta tell you, you are handling this way better than I did. I'm glad you are in such a healthy place right now.

A couple of quickies... use the protection. I did get pregnant on my first ovulatory cycle after Bean died and did miscarry again. It took years and medical intervention to get Bean, but only TIC and nature for Spring Baby. Just saying, from one PCOS girl to another.

Also, $47?!?!? You must have amazing insurance. All told (cycle + prenatal care + D&C) Bean ended up costing about $2k. I always hate thinking about it like that, but at the end of the day, them's the facts.

Jo July 20, 2010 at 9:49 AM  

If it makes you feel any better (and I know it doesn't) my D&C is costing me no less than $7000. And no, that's not a typo. $450 for the doctor's visit to tell me the baby had died, $1000 to be admitted to the hospital, $600 for the anesthesiologist, and we just got a bill for $5,500 from the hospital for the procedure itself. So, $47 sounds like a steal!

I'm glad you are starting to feel better. Take care of yourself.


Alex July 20, 2010 at 2:16 PM  

Great to hear from you! And I loved the long post - good update. Sounds like you're doing really well. And maybe you guys should use one of those condoms in the back seat of a car or something - really go for the high school scene...

*Always Waiting* July 20, 2010 at 6:11 PM  

I'm Catholic (my husband and I both are) and we are expected to procreate... well, that's just fine and dandy, except we haven't been able to for 6 years thanks for unexplained infertility.

Nick July 20, 2010 at 7:06 PM  

Being your husband, I experience all of this with you, and you volunteer most all of your perspective to me freely offline. But even so, I truly appreciate getting to hear the cry of your heart so concentrated and amplified. I can take in all of this over the course of a few weeks (and really be listening, honest!), but still not have it sink in the way it does here.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. Even when life isn't going our way. I love you.