"Bad Mommy"

Do you ever have those days where you're convinced you're a terrible mother? Where you say to yourself, "Wow! I hope no one shows up right now and sees how awful I am!" Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Today is one of those days. Have I done anything terrible? No...not really. Has your child looked at you and said, "You're a bad mommy, mommy!" Not by any means! Has my mind been going a million miles an hour thinking of days when I didn't have a 2 year old climbing all over me? Or putting everything in his mouth? Or screaming bloody murder because I won't let him do any number of things that would cause danger to himself or others? Yes! My mind has been going there!

Now, could I find something to blame it on? Of course! Hormones? Yep! Infertility medications? You know it! Stress? Sure! Should I blame it on those things? Probably not.

See, there are some mornings where I just wake up and can tell it's going to be one of those days. Today was one of them. It would be interesting to see if having gone back to bed for a couple of hours would have changed it. But, alas, no such luck for the mother of a 2 year old. (A highly energetic two year old at that!) However, I have complete control over it. I could choose to be in a good mood, but I don't want to! I want to be in a bad mood...at least for a little while.

But, then, do you know what happens? I feed the 2 year old monster, and he decides to be generally charming and adorable. (Don't you hate that?!) He eats a whole bowl of corn and asks for more. He eats his hot dogs like a good little boy (despite rubbing the wiener water all over himself). He drinks his milk without demanding it be chocolate. You get the picture. On top of that, your sweet husband calls you on his lunch break and tells you he loves you and misses you. Then, you find yourself unwilling and unable to be in a bad mood! You realize that, soon, the charming and adorable monster will go down for a nap, and you'll have some much-needed down time...

...and, everything will look different in a few hours.

Hi, My Name is Krystal...

…and I’m an alcoholic. Wait, that’s not right. Let’s try again. *ahem* Hi, my name is Krystal, and I suffer from infertility.

*crickets*

Doesn’t go over quite as well, does it?

At least with an alcoholic, people will ask questions like, “How long have you been sober?” Then offer a congratulatory pat on the back and move along. Should an infertile woman (or man) choose to share that information, they’re greeted with blank stares and uncomfortable silences. If someone DOES choose to even acknowledge that the “I” word was said, it’s usually to offer that their best friend’s sister’s cousin’s boyfriend’s girlfriend’s mother had a terrible time getting pregnant, but as soon as she relaxed and stopped thinking about it, she got pregnant. (Of course! Because medically speaking, not thinking about it makes you ovulate, right?) Or so-and-so tried for years, then, as soon as the ink was dry on the international adoption papers, she found out she was pregnant…with triplets…identical! Or (my personal favorite) that the *whispers* infertile couple are still young and have PLENTY of time to have a baby (ignoring the fact that if you have female and/or male factor infertility, the odds of it getting BETTER with age are pretty slim.)!

Can you tell I’m passionate about this?

My family (my husband most of all) will tell you that I have very pointed opinions about what people should and shouldn’t say to others about their reproductive habits. For instance, I NEVER ask a young (or old) married couple with no children when they’re going to have children! Sure, odds are they just are waiting until they’ve been married x amount of time. But, what if you decide to ask and this couple has been trying for years with no success? Even worse, what if the woman is in the middle of ingesting or injecting various hormones when you ask her this and she either breaks into tears or goes into a murderous rage? How will you feel then?

Obviously, I don’t share these opinions with most people. My poor husband has to take the brunt of my irritation when I vent to him about it. My problem is this: having heard these things myself, I know how it’s perceived. We know, in the backs of our minds, that you mean well. You’re not trying to hurt our feelings on purpose. Yet, the other part of us hates that we’re forced to think about it yet again. What woman suffering from infertility has not had a situation where she nearly bursts into tears at an inappropriate time? (Mine happened at church, in case you were curious.) What fertility-challenged couple hasn’t had an innocent in-law inquire after grandchildren? Who hasn’t been blind-sided by news that someone close to you is expecting, and the situation is less than perfect?

Now, I’m sure I’ve offended someone. I assure you, unless you’re a repeat offender with the same infertile couple, they don’t blame you and they may not even remember a week later that you said something.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog post isn’t to give a list of grievances.

I’ve been reading lots of infertility blogs recently, and I love the sense of camaraderie that the blogger has with her readers. I don’t expect to have the audience that those girls do, but something about getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper (or, screen, I guess) is very appealing to me. Even if no one reads it, I think it will be therapeutic.

So, basically, this is my introduction into starting to write more about this topic. I figured if I just jumped right into it, it would come out of left field. I still plan to share about things that my family and I do, so it won’t be strictly about my journey with infertility. Feel free to comment or give advice to your heart’s content. You can just read, too, if you’d rather. I know sometimes it’s nice to lurk. I won’t hold it against you.

I’d like to thank the girls from the infertility blogs I read for being so open and giving me the courage to talk about my experiences. Without you, my blogging life would amount to semi-regular posts about family outings and new furniture. You can look at their blogs on the right side of my blog page.

I look forward to embarking on this journey with whoever chooses to join me.

...More to Come

I've been praying and thinking a lot recently about being more open here. I haven't reached a full conclusion yet. Do I put myself out there in the hopes it will be therapeutic? What if I face criticism? What if no one cares? How do I decide?

...More to come as I think through this...