Tuesday, December 8, 2009

An Award...

...but not one of those cute blog-reader-nominated ones.  This one is self-awarded.  I win the "World's Worst Blogger" award.  I know, big shocker.  I don't know what's up with me lately.  I guess there's just not a lot going on, so I don't have anything blog-worthy to talk about.  I did schedule my appointment with the RE (thanks to those of you who reminded me), so January 14th, I'll be making the trek to Iowa City. 

Nick and I decided that, in lieu of actual gifts for our anniversary, Christmas, and his birthday, we'd take a trip to Chicago on the train for 2 nights.  All the important things are booked already: train tickets, hotel, and Blue Man Group tickets.  Other than that, we're kind of going to fly by the seat of our pants.  One of my good online friends is going to be in Chicago the same days, so we're going to meet and do some Michigan Avenue/Watertower Place shopping and do lunch.  Oh yeah!  We're all super-excited!

Nick's been working a lot.  In addition to his 40 hour week at his real job, he does freelance stuff on the side.  He got embroiled in a project that is taking longer than anyone guessed it would, so he's been working non-stop it seems.  I'm praying that it'll wind down soon, so he'll be able to enjoy his Christmas break (since he is a U of I employee, he gets off Christmas Eve through the 4th of January!  That's nice work if you can get it!).  I've been busy buying his stocking stuffers, as we decided to go ahead with stockings so we'd have something to open Christmas morning.  Hopefully, he'll like them!  (I'd tell you what they are, but he's one of my readers, and I don't want to spoil it!)

We're in the middle of a winter storm, here.  I love winter, but only when I get to stay home.  But, as has been the case with pretty much every winter storm in the last 5 years, I have to drive to work tonight.  That's right, I have to borrow my grandpa's truck to drive to the hospital for my 11-7 shift tonight (and tomorrow!).  Joy.  These flipping storms NEVER hit when I can just enjoy family time.  Instead I get the joy of risking my life (and someone's new vehicle) so I can go to work.  Add to that that I live literally in the middle of nowhere, and I've come to the conclusion that adult life sucks.

While I'm complaining, I'd like to ask if anyone has ever noticed that pregnancy announcements come in threes?  They say that about death, too.  The most recent three in my life all became known on facebook within 48 hours of each other.  If it weren't so depressing, it would almost be comical.  Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER happy for all 3 of these couples.  They're doing it right, and they'll make great parents!  But, it's so easy to get into the "what about me?" cycle.  Whether it's "we've been married longer, why can't that be us?" or "They already have kids, why can't we spread some fertility around here?!?" (That sounds messy), I can always think of some reason why I "deserve it" more than they do. 

The fact is, though, that that is wrong of me.  But I don't know how to change it.  How to do I fix that my gut reaction to someone's pregnancy announcement is self-pity? While I outwardly congratulate them and ask all the right questions, inwardly I'm dying a little inside.  It's a little better with people who I know also struggle with infertility, as they've been where I am and I hope people will be happy for us if it ever happens.  But, I still find myself playing the "they've only been trying for 2 years, and we're a week away from our 3 year mark!" card.  I'm seriously seeking advice here, as I really would like to get over it already.

I like how I always claim to have nothing to blog about, then my blog posts are a million hours long. haha  Awesome.


Anonymous December 8, 2009 at 7:08 PM  

Sorry you don't get to stay home. I hope work goes by quickly and you get there and back safely. I feel the same way when I hear pregnancy announcements. I'm working on it, but I'm not really getting anywhere.

The Flukens December 9, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

Krystal, we've been ttc for 4 years so trust me, I get where you are coming from. I have felt every emotion you mentioned but to tell you the truth I had a turning point at 3 years ttc. I just had to come to terms with the fact that having a baby through birth just may not be in my future and was I going to spend the rest of my days feeling sad and depressed or could I find JOY in the blessings I do have in my life. I've just reminded myself how many people in the world are suffering far greater than I am, whether with cancer and diseases or deafness or blindness. Every person has struggles their life, and for me, my struggle is infertilty. But my God is bigger than my struggle and He has amazing plans for my life whether I ever conceive or not. Not to mention the joy I have from my adopted daughter and the joy I will have from our other future-adopted kids. Whether you have a birth child or not does not determine your value and you need to just lay every thought at God's feet and ask him to help you have the right heart and attitude. :)