One Year

It occured to me last week that we were coming up on the "anniversary" of finding out we'd miscarried.  I wasn't for sure of the actual date, but the 24th was sticking in my head for some reason.  So, I went back in my  blog and sure enough, today's the day.  It's actually not as difficult as my would-be due date was.  I think I'll be able to avoid the water works today, which is more than could be said of January 17th. 

Mostly, today just makes me angry.  It's been a year since I've been pregnant.  I've done 5 medicated cycles and had a few on my own and we can't seem to get the job done again.  We got pregnant on our first femara/follistim cycle (and even got it done without the assitance of an IUI!).  We've since done 3 IUIs and 2 not-IUIs (one against medical advice...hehehe), yet my body won't cooperate.  It makes me wonder if we "missed" our chance.  I mean, were those 10+ weeks the only pregnancy I will ever know?  I sincerely hope not.  I always had the hope that I'd be pregnant by the due date to take the sting away from it a bit.  When that didn't happen, I set my sights on getting pregnant to be due around the due date next year.  Didn't happen.  Now, everything just feels hopeless.  I've got an empty (and evidently stupid) uterus and nothing to show for my 4 1/2 years of infertility except a medical bill file 6 inches thick. 

Yet, it seems we're coming to a crossroads.  My RE clinic doesn't do GIFT.  In fact, the nurse I spoke with said most clinics are getting away from doing it because they've gotten so good at IVF that it's not worth the extra risk of general anesthesia required to do it. (If you don't know what GIFT is, click here.)  I'm sure there are places to do it, as it is the only assited reproduction techonology past an IUI that's "ok" for Catholics to do (or for those who have insurance chosen for them by Catholics, like people who work for the hospital I work at...luckily, I have Nick's insurance.).  The issue is, I work 40 hours a week of night shift.  It's hard enough to get to Iowa City (about 2 hours away) for appointments when I'm cycling, I can't even imagine if I have to go 3+ hours away because I need to do something not offered closer to home.  I don't know what to do.

I also talked to Nick about embryo adoption, which he said he'd think about.  I've always thought it was a super cool idea and I read a couple of blogs of people who have done it.  Obviously, I'd love to have a child that is biologically mine and Nick's.  I don't want it to seem like adopted children are second class citizens or sub-par to biological children (remember, I have an adopted child and adopted siblings and one of my best friends was adopted...I'm all about it!), but I have a very deep desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth and be able to say to people "She has Nick's ears!" or "I totally have a freckle there, too!"  It just seems like I may not get to see that desire fulfilled.  If I have to see one more negative pregnancy test (accompanied by the look of hurt and disappointment in my husband's eyes) or hear Asher tell me "it will be ok, Mama" as I cry into my cereal bowl, I think I'll freak out.

Why can't this just be easy?