Wow.

It's been almost 4 months since I've written on here.

I sign in daily and read the blogs I follow. I look at that "last posted on" date and think to myself, "Huh. I should maybe do something about that." Then, I don't. I read the blogs, sign out, and go on about my day.

Truth is, I feel like there's nothing to say. I mean, sure, there's a lot going on, but does it even interest anyone?

We're at a standstill, infertility-wise. Not agreeing on the next step= no next step until an agreement can be made.

The funny thing is, the world keeps going on. While I'm sitting here watching everyone I know move on with their lives, I feel like I'm stuck. As I see more and more pregnancy announcements in real life and on facebook, it hardly affects me any more, just a shrug of the shoulders, and a vague memory of when that would send me headlong into tears and a pity party. While that sounds like it might be a good thing, "Oh! You're dealing with it! You're moving forward!" I'm not sure that's the case. I think it's more a numbness that has moved in. A defense mechanism, really. What is a body to do when assaulted regularly by reminders of something it has fought tooth and nail to do only to fail over and over again? Shut down. Not let it affect you. Don't give any time to that darkness that threatens to creep in. Throw yourself into something else.

What have I been re-routing my efforts into, you ask? Well, almost 9 weeks ago, we got a foster placement. A two-week-old baby was placed with us temporarily while the foster family she was supposed to go to got their licensure straightened out. She is a sweet, sweet baby. She is a cuddle-bug, and is starting to sleep longer at night--a fact for which we are very thankful. Everyone one in our family loves her.

Anyway, long story short, what was supposed to be a 3-4 week placement has turned into "Maybe she will be moved there by the end of October. Maybe." Don't get me wrong, we love having her. If they asked me right now, "Hey! You want to keep her?" I'd look at them like they'd grown a second head and say, "Duh!" However, since we know she is going elsewhere, I wish they would hurry up and get it done. The longer she is with us, the more it will really suck when she leaves.

You know the worst part? Seeing how much Nick loves her. I watch him with her and see how he lights up when she smiles at him. I see how he talks to her and cuddles her and sleeps with her next to him on the couch and it breaks my heart. My sorrow is twofold: First, she will be leaving soon. What is it going to do to him when she leaves? How will he react when he realizes that his best friend's baby is the same age as she is? They were born a day apart, and he is going to watch her grow up and remember daily that she isn't with us any more.

Second, he is experiencing with her something I may never be able to give him. I may never get to see him cuddle and coo and smile at a baby that we know won't be moved elsewhere. I may never get to watch him as he learns the ins and outs of newborn care with a baby that looks like us.

The whole situation dredges up feelings that I always try to bury. Why can crack-heads, child-abusers, and every other person who has no business having children have baby after baby with no problem, when no amount of work on my part can get it done? Sometimes, it actually feels like a physical pain. It's like seeing her with him tears open, again and again, the wound that is trying to heal from a miscarriage and nearly 5 years of infertility.

Let me make clear that I don't blame her for any of this. None of this is her fault. We have been blessed to take care of her and help her in the part of her life where she's been the most helpless and required the most work. While I know she won't remember us, I hope she grows up to be a healthy, well-adjusted woman partly because of the care we have given her.

So, there you have it. A long blog-absence, and an explanation for part of it.

One Year

It occured to me last week that we were coming up on the "anniversary" of finding out we'd miscarried.  I wasn't for sure of the actual date, but the 24th was sticking in my head for some reason.  So, I went back in my  blog and sure enough, today's the day.  It's actually not as difficult as my would-be due date was.  I think I'll be able to avoid the water works today, which is more than could be said of January 17th. 

Mostly, today just makes me angry.  It's been a year since I've been pregnant.  I've done 5 medicated cycles and had a few on my own and we can't seem to get the job done again.  We got pregnant on our first femara/follistim cycle (and even got it done without the assitance of an IUI!).  We've since done 3 IUIs and 2 not-IUIs (one against medical advice...hehehe), yet my body won't cooperate.  It makes me wonder if we "missed" our chance.  I mean, were those 10+ weeks the only pregnancy I will ever know?  I sincerely hope not.  I always had the hope that I'd be pregnant by the due date to take the sting away from it a bit.  When that didn't happen, I set my sights on getting pregnant to be due around the due date next year.  Didn't happen.  Now, everything just feels hopeless.  I've got an empty (and evidently stupid) uterus and nothing to show for my 4 1/2 years of infertility except a medical bill file 6 inches thick. 

Yet, it seems we're coming to a crossroads.  My RE clinic doesn't do GIFT.  In fact, the nurse I spoke with said most clinics are getting away from doing it because they've gotten so good at IVF that it's not worth the extra risk of general anesthesia required to do it. (If you don't know what GIFT is, click here.)  I'm sure there are places to do it, as it is the only assited reproduction techonology past an IUI that's "ok" for Catholics to do (or for those who have insurance chosen for them by Catholics, like people who work for the hospital I work at...luckily, I have Nick's insurance.).  The issue is, I work 40 hours a week of night shift.  It's hard enough to get to Iowa City (about 2 hours away) for appointments when I'm cycling, I can't even imagine if I have to go 3+ hours away because I need to do something not offered closer to home.  I don't know what to do.

I also talked to Nick about embryo adoption, which he said he'd think about.  I've always thought it was a super cool idea and I read a couple of blogs of people who have done it.  Obviously, I'd love to have a child that is biologically mine and Nick's.  I don't want it to seem like adopted children are second class citizens or sub-par to biological children (remember, I have an adopted child and adopted siblings and one of my best friends was adopted...I'm all about it!), but I have a very deep desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth and be able to say to people "She has Nick's ears!" or "I totally have a freckle there, too!"  It just seems like I may not get to see that desire fulfilled.  If I have to see one more negative pregnancy test (accompanied by the look of hurt and disappointment in my husband's eyes) or hear Asher tell me "it will be ok, Mama" as I cry into my cereal bowl, I think I'll freak out.

Why can't this just be easy?

Another negative.

We had the best count for an IUI we've ever had and I still couldn't get it done.

We're at the end of the IUI road.

We need to figure out our next steps.  IVF isn't what we want to do. 

Does anyone know anything about GIFT?

Update

Ah...the obligatory "So Much for That Cycle" post.  Although, it did end with some amusement...and if it had been a tv show or a movie, I would have laughed.  Being as it is my life, all it got was a sarcastic chuckle. 

It went down something like this:

Everyone in the world who knew the situation: When are you going to test?
Me: Well, since I don't really know when or if I ovulated, I'm thinking of just waiting it out until my period shows up.
Everyone else: Oh.  Well, what cycle day are you on?
Me: Um...*counts using a calendar* 30something
Everyone: Oh!  You should totally test!  I bet you're pregnant.
Me: Yeah.  Doubt it.

Finally, I decided I'd test on CD 35.  So, last Friday morning, I pee in the cup (because I'm not coordinated enough to pee on the actual stick) and dip it.  Then, guess what?  Blood.  The pee was quite literally still wet on the stick and my period started.  What are the odds?  I want my $8 back. 

(On a side note, seeing the blood actually helped my reaction to the BFN.  I don't know why.)

So, a spur of the moment trip to Iowa City was in order for a baseline ultrasound.  Nick called in "taking my wife to the doctor" and we headed out.  I was a little worried that with my reaction to the meds last cycle, I'd have some cysts and we'd have to take a cycle off, but everything was fine.  I charmed the ultrasound tech and student with my humor and wit, we had a few laughs about my stupid left ovary and I went to see the nurse.

At this point in the story, I learn something about reproductive endocrinology that every doctor, nurse and physician's assistant has failed to mention to me.  After 3-4 "combo" cycles (meaning a combination of pills and injections, i.e. femara and follistim) your chances of pregnancy actually decrease!  Guess what cycle this is for us on our combo?  6!  6!  Granted, they mentioned IVF to me at the beginning of my 4th cycle, but it was mentioned in passing like "hey, you might want to start thinking about this."  No one ever said to me, "Did you know that from here on out, your (already small) chances of getting pregnant are going to become even smaller?"  I might have liked to have been informed of that even before we started!  I would have done fewer timed cycles and more IUIs.  I would have already moved on to IVF perhaps and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now!  ARGH!

Anyway, this was going to be our last cycle before moving on anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it ruining my plans.  We've started (or continued) our talks about IVF and it all seems so surreal.  Call me naive, but I never really pictured us getting this far.  I imagined much less intervention to be required, but obviously my imagination is far more grand than actual life.  The fact that, in a few months I could be blogging about an egg retrieval, daily calls about our embryos, and embryo transfers is comepletely strange to me.  Part of me also feels bad that I've kind of resigned myself to this cycle not working.  I kind of wish, if they weren't going to tell me at the get-go about my chances decreasing, they hadn't told me at all.  Now I just feel like the whole thing is hopeless.  *sigh*

So, I've started my femara and Thursday I start my follistim.  I go Monday afternoon for my CD 11 monitoring.  This whole cycle is further complicated by the fact that they're closed Memorial Day weekend.  So, we have to get our IUI in no later than the 27th, as they're closed Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  (I've got to get myself a job like that!)  Hopefully, the timing will all work out alright.

Sorry I've been so boring on here recently.  I feel like I'm just on repeat: period started, insemination, BFN.  Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  I sincerely hope that changes soon.

Random Post

First of all, thanks to all of you who gave your input on my situation!  The overwhelming majority of the people I asked took the Nike route and said, "Just do it!"  So, we shall wait and see how it all shakes out.  We've been bathing the situation in prayer and I know God is in control.

On a related note, you should check out my mom's blog post about the "selective reduction" situation here.  My mom pretty much rocks more than your mom.  I'm just sayin'.

Also, I don't think I mentioned previously that my sister had her baby on the 6th.  She's pretty much as cute as any child could be that doesn't share blood with me.  Here's a few pictures if you're interested:

Samantha Jolynn (aka Sammi Jo)
Born April 6
7# 7oz
19 3/4"

This is her with my sister, Kayla the day after she was born.

Sammi with her daddy (my brother in law Ryan)

Nick and Asher holding her when she was a few days old.  Asher really did like her despite how he looks.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at almost a week old.

Asher and my other niece (Sammi's sister Jayla) taking over Sammi's stuff.

A Cancelled Cycle

Long time, no post.  I know. 

Today is cycle day 14.  I went for my baseline ultrasound CD 4 (due to a work/weekend issue and not being able to make it cd 1, 2 or 3) and left with a slightly tweaked medication regimen.  I returned to the clinic on Monday (CD 11), but the 3 follicles that were dominant weren't big enough yet, so I made an appointment for Wednesday (CD 13).  I got my favorite ultrasound tech and we got down to follicle-scanning business.  I had a 20, 17, 16, 15 and 2 14mm follicles between my two ovaries.

***Pause here for a reproductive endocrinology lesson for those of you confused about the above paragraph.***

A mature follicle is considered anything 18mm and above.  Follicles usually grow about 2mm per day.  My trigger shot I take causes ovulation about 36 hours after taking it.  Therefore, any follicles 14mm and above have the possibility of being 18mm at ovulation and, therefore popping off when I ovulate. 

Got it?  Good.

***Resume regularly-scheduled blog post.***

When the nurse came in the room, she said she was concerned with the amount of follicles I had 14mm and above.  (At this point, I only knew about the 20, 17 and 16.  The 15 and 14's hadn't registered with me.)  She showed me the paper and said that I had a total of 5 that could drop after the trigger shot and how did I feel about selective reduction?

I was floored.  Never in my life did I ever picture anyone saying the phrase "selective reduction" to me, yet there I sat, stumbling over some combination of the words "uh," "um," and "no."  What I really wanted was to say to her, "Are you asking me if I'd be willing to kill one of the children than I worked so hard for?  Are you on dope?"  She said the doctor was tied up in ultrasound, but he'd be in to talk to me in a little while.  She offered me the tv remote (after scribbling "would NOT reduce" on the aforementioned paper) and went on her merry way. 

So, I wrote a series of texts to Nick, which I then forwarded to my mom.  Both of them responded with some variety of "Are they on dope?!"  I killed the time checking facebook and playing scrabble on my phone while I waited for what seemed like forever for the doctor to come in.

Finally, he came in and basically said, "We're cancelling this cycle because there's too many follicles and we don't want you to end up with high order multiples."  I made it a point to tell him that I had 3 last cycle and none of them took.  I really wanted him to just say, "Well, you're probably right, lets do it!"  But instead I got, "I've seen patients like you who aren't pregnant after a lot of cycles and we get a cycle like this and boom, we have twins, triplets, or whatever, so I really don't feel comfortable going forward."  I asked him if the follicles would go on their own anyway and he said yes.  Then he started talking abstinance, condoms, the whole she-bang.  (My inner monologue went something like "Abstinance?  When I got married I really hoped people would stop using that word.  Condoms suck.  Who are you?  The bedroom police?!  Is your Russian self going to be there with a black light to be sure there was no exchange of fluids?")  He shook my hand and left, saying he hoped to see me under better circumstances at a later date (did I mention I'd never even seen this guy before?  There has to be a million doctors in this practice!). 

I cried some (hopefully) quiet tears and texted my mom and Nick and waited for the nurse to come in.  She came in and reiterated about the abstinance and condoms and was sure to tell me that sperm can live for up to 4 days.  She apologized and told me to call when my period started and we'd start over.

Obviously, we're both disappointed.  I've spent quite a bit on meds this cycle (although, I think I must have hit some sort of pharmaceutical deductible or something because it was cheaper than previous cycles), not to mention the gas money *insert mumbling about gas prices,* 12 hours I've spent driving back and forth to appointments and 4ish hours I've spent AT the actual appointments in the last 2 weeks.  The whole thing is enough to make me want to sit in the corner and cry.  I'd like to host a pity party about people who reproduce for free and will never have to hear someone say they're "cancelling your cycle."  That really seems like something only God should be able to say, doesn't it?  However, I'm slowly getting over it.

I do want to ask you all this, however: what would you do?  According to doctor's orders, we shouldn't be unprotected (Although, he didn't specify for how long.  I coud feign ignorance.), yet part of me really wants to just throw caution to the wind and see how it all shakes out.  On one hand I know that God controls the sperm and eggs (that's nothing like ham and eggs) and can do what he wants.  I mean, if sperm live for 4 days, who's to say previous sperm aren't waiting there for the eggs to pop even now?  I'm fully convinced He is in control of how many (if any) children we conceive and birth together, so why would this be any exception?  However, a small part of me thinks that God put the doctors in our lives for a reason and maybe I should listen to them.  I mean, yeah, last cycle I ovulated 3 eggs and got nothing out of it, so odds are pretty good that all 5 eggs wouldn't pop off, fertilize and implant.  But, what if they did?  I obviously wouldn't selectively reduce *shudder*, but how bad would I feel if I had to deal with losing one or more of my children all because I didn't listen to the doctor?  In the grand scheme of things, is waiting one cycle to try again that big of a deal?  Not really. 

Am I still leaning toward taking no special precaution and letting God be God?  Yeah, I am.

I really do want all of your opinions, though.

Another Negative...

I actually tested on Sunday afternoon (12dpo) and got a negative.  However, I kept up my progesterone supplements until I tested this morning and got another negative.  I told Nick when we woke up this morning, "Nothing like stress and anguish first thing in the morning."  At least today we were expecting a negative.  I had myself a little too invested in this cycle, I think.  I mean, I had definitely 2 eggs, with the possibility of a 3rd and we had a decent sperm count AND they got to take the easy route, why wouldn't it work?  We were both excited to test Sunday, and I knew it would be bad if it was negative.  I peed in the cup, dipped it and got in the shower (I told Nick today that I'm pretty sure I've peed in more solo cups than I've drank out of). 

The worst thing EVER is seeing Nick examine it so closely looking for any semblance of a line.  He'll hold it in every light possible and turn it like he's looking at a precious diamond.  The look on his face when he can't even imagine a line there just breaks my heart. 

Anyway, I used my last progesterone supplement last night, so hopefully my period will arrive in a few days.  We've decided to try one more IUI before moving on to IVF, since I know quite a few people for whom the third time was the charm.  Hopefully, we'll be in that group, too.  Now, if it will just arrive at a time that's conducive to a trip to Iowa City...

We Have Insemination!

We had our IUI today! 

At my cycle day 11 appointment on Friday, I had a 16mm and 14mm on the right and a 13mm and 12mm on the left.  They had us come again on Sunday for a follicle check, and after some work and babysitting finagling, we left right after I got off work on Sunday morning and headed to Iowa City.  At that time, the two on my right had grown to 19mm and 18mm and the left ones were 16 and 14.  So, we triggered at 10pm Sunday night and were to report to the Advanced Reproductive Lab at 8am on Tuesday before a 10am IUI.

We had our IUI and headed home.  We decided to stop for lunch at Biaggi's which was DELICIOUS!!!!  Now, I'm feeling a little crampy and sore, but hopefully my ibuprofen will kick in soon.  We're praying hard core for at least one baby to meet mid-December.  (Of course, that 16 on the left could have decided to pop, too, in which case we could be dealing with 1-3.  Eeeek!  I'm kind of hoping for no more than 2, quite frankly, but I'll take whatever I can get.)

Now starts the dreaded two week wait.  Hopefully it'll go quick and we'll end with good news!

New Cycle

Well, I finally went back to Iowa City on Thursday to start a new cycle.  (The last few months, AF has shown on her own, but at times when it would be impossible to get there CD 1, 2 or 3.)  My problematic left ovary was more difficult than usual and the US tech had to call in reinforcements.  She grabbed my favorite tech and got pictures within a few minutes.  I should just request her all the time.  (On a side note, you might be an infertile if you have a favorite ultrasound tech.)  Everything looks ok in there, so we're on for a femara/follistim/ovidrel/prometrium cycle.  Here's the schedule:

CD 3 (3/10): 5mg Femara
CD 4: 5mg Femara
CD 5: 5mg Femara
CD 6: 5mg Femara
CD 7: 5mg Femara and 100 IU Follistim
CD 8: 150 IU Follistim
CD 9: 150 IU Follistim
CD 10: 150 IU Follistim
CD 11 (3/18): Follicle Check in Iowa City to see where to go from there

At some point after that, I will be giving myself my trigger shots and then going for an IUI.  For those of you keeping track at home, this will be our 2nd IUI.  It is our 5th cycle using the "big guns" for ovarian stimulation.  (That doesn't sound like a lot when you type it, but we also had about a million cycles of straight up femara or clomid before that.  All in all, we've been "not preventing" since the day we got married.  I count that as more than 4 years of TTC, even if we weren't overtly trying the entire time.  Maybe that's not the correct way to measure...I don't know.)

The PA I see said that Nick and I should talk about IVF.  I was kind of surprised she was bringing it up already, considering this is "only" our 2nd IUI, but she said that the success rate is obviously much higher with that.  Also, she said that while I respond ok to the stimulation meds, we've only gotten one dominant follicle each time (with the exception of the cycle I got pregnant with Blackberry) as opposed to the two they prefer.  She asked about my infertility coverage and I told her I know we have it, but I couldn't remember for sure how many cycles of what they cover, but I'd look into it.  (8 cycles of IUI and 4 cycles of IVF in my lifetime, in case you were curious.)  She said it is something she'd recommend we at least talk about and maybe move toward that if this cycle doesn't "take."

So, needless to say, we've been talking and doing research the last couple of days.  I know it is definitely something we'd like to do, but we just want to know more about it and ask a few questions of our clinic and other people who have done it before we jump in with both feet.  (Look for a blog post about that soon, probably.)

All in all, I was happy with my visit and I'm hoping I respond well to the tweaked protocol this cycle.  I'll be headed back to Iowa City on Friday for my follicle check.  If history is any indication, we'll probably be triggering that night then doing an IUI Sunday March 20 (although I'm hoping for triggering Saturday with the IUI Monday because I'm supposed to work next weekend and if I have to go there half the day Sunday after having just worked the night before, I'll probably be calling in sick Sunday night).  That places testing for April 3rd or 4th.  Hopefully we'll have good news then!

(Also, if you want to read an awesome blog, head here and read my mom's blog!  She's awesome and hilarious and you can sometimes hear about me!  Enjoy!)

This Started as a Feel-Good Post...Oops...

I've been trying to mentally write a blog post for a few days now, and it's not really becoming anything solid, so I thought I'd open the "new post" button and see what came out.  Maybe I'll hit publish, maybe not.  I got as far as opening blogger, then I decided to open iTunes instead and figure out what the P!nk song is that I heard on the radio at work a few nights in a row and download it.  Then, I thought to myself, "What else can we download? I like that Katy Perry "Firework" song.  Let's do that.  I really like Katy Perry."  Both songs, I have since learned, have thinly-veiled anti-bullying messages.  Funny how you can just sing something mindlessly and not even realize what's going on.  Anyway, that turned into seeing what the top 10 songs were on the country, pop and rock charts on iTunes.  Did you know that "Don't Stop Believing" is #3 on the rock list?  Hilarious.

...ahem...procrastinate much?

Fact is, I legitimately don't know how to form thoughts into words. 

I have been struggling recently, I guess.  It's mostly an inward struggle as I usually choose to not bring everyone else down with my negative thoughts and random thought trails.  It's not that I don't trust the people closest to me to hear what my thoughts are, but part of me is afraid that to externalize my inward struggles will just make them worse.  Or worse, my family and friends will agree with me and our worries will compound into a ginormous mess of stress. 

The fact is, I don't want to say aloud that I feel like I'm treading water.  I feel like my infertility is assaulting me from all directions, but I can't do anything about it.  My period has arrived unprovoked 3ish months in a row, yet I can't go to Iowa City to do any treatments because I'm working at least 44 hours per week most weeks.  I have to sleep during the day and work at night which leaves roughly no time to hang out with my family for more than a couple of hours at a time, much less go to the doctor multiple times a week.  Thinking about this fact proves to only bring me down more.  It seems the large majority of people I know don't have to worry about their work schedules when they want to get pregnant. They get the luxury of saying, "Hey, let's have a baby!" They don't have to schedule appointments and have their husbands take personal days so he can get intimate with a specimen cup.  They just get to go the route that millions of people before them have gone and most of them have a little bundle of joy to show for it within a year or so. 

(Don't even get me started on these people who have baby after baby with no trouble at all.  If I see one more 22 year old come in who is on her 6th baby, I can't be held responsible for what happens.  I'm going to go on an epic tirade the likes of which Charlie Sheen has never dreamed of!)

But all joking aside, here's my true confession: Sometimes, I feel like God is blind to my suffering.  Now, I know, I really do, that that's not true.  He cares very much for me and my trials, of that I'm sure.  But it's hard to not feel like that.  I know it's probably wrong to even think it, even worse to vocalize it (I don't know where typing it is on the continuum). 

Recently, as I've been working through my "chronological bible in a year," I've really noticed that God likes to give blessings to people in the form of children. "Oh, Abraham, you rock! Have a son!" While I am by no means comparing myself to Abraham, in the back of my mind, I wonder why He hasn't seen fit to bless us with a child.  We've "done everything right," so to speak.  Why does He send babies everyone else's way and not to us?  To even type it out seems so petty and ridiculous, but it doesn't make my thoughts on the matter change. 

But, I internalize it.  I don't want to say aloud that seeing my sister's burgeoning baby belly sends a stab to my heart that I sometimes don't think I'll ever recover from.  I hesitate to say that it physically hurts when I see pictures on facebook of my friend's kids who were born 10 months apart, or ultrasound pictures from people who I know didn't spend years trying to get to that point or baby pictures from people who make no attempt to hide that they don't even know who the child's father is.  Situations like that hurt me in ways that I really don't think will ever be forgotten.  But, in the next breath I feel terrible for feeling that way. 

This post is admittedly scatter-brained, and for that I apologize.  I think it's a symptom of where I'm at in my mind right now.  I had really hoped to be "back to normal" by now.  I knew I'd hit a speed bump near the due date, but it's been nearly 2 months since then and 9 months since the miscarriage and I still relive it with disturbing regularity. 

I'd just like to be "normal." 

Infertility, it seems, leaves a swath of damage in its wake that is all-encompassing. 

Dear Blackberry

Dear Blackberry,

Today was your due date.  Granted, if you were still with us, you might have already arrived by now, or you might be a stubborn little one and decide to hang around in there for awhile.  All that considered, today is the day I've been dreading since that fated day in June when I heard Dr. S say the words, "I'm so sorry, hun, but I don't see a heartbeat."  As my world came crashing down in that moment, I knew that January 17th would arrive and I'd be whisked back to that moment over and over again. 

Tomorrow is your daddy's birthday, and I know how much he wishes he were sharing it with you.  I'm hoping that by tomorrow, I'll be all cried out.  I know it's probably not going to happen.  You'd think that I'd already have hit that point, but you find surprising ways to pop into my mind.  Sometimes, it knocks me on my back with grief.  Sometimes, I manage to hold it together and think fondly of the things that might have been.  Always, however, it fills me full of wishes.

I wish I knew what went wrong.  I wish I could have known what I could do to have stopped you from leaving us.  I wish I could walk by the ultrasound department at the hospital I work at without having flashbacks of the "confirmation ultrasound."  I wish I could hear other people's pregnancy announcements without crying my eyes out.  I wish I had more to show for my 4+ years of infertility than a memorial tattoo on my foot.  I wish I were holding you right now instead of writing this blog post.  I wish I hadn't run into your ultrasound picture and Asher's "big brother" t-shirt while packing to move into our new house.  I wish I could see God's plan in all of this, because I know He has one.  I wish that anything anyone could say would make me feel better.

Yet, here I sit...
all wished out...
clutching a box of kleenex...
an empty womb...
and no baby to show for it. 

I miss you, my sweet baby.  Even though I only "knew" you for 10 weeks and 3 days, I miss you more than words on a screen could ever express.  While there may come a time when you don't pop into my head every day, know that you will never be forgotten.  Your daddy, brother and I love you and wish you were here with us.

Until we meet again...

Mommy