Sunday, May 16, 2010

Nervous

So, I'm pretty much a nervous wreck.  I'm much calmer than I was before I got my two betas drawn, but I'm still quite freaked out by the whole thing.  I keep thinking, "What if I'm wandering around assuming all is fine, and I get dealt a crushing blow at my 7w4d ultrasound?"  I don't know if I can handle it.  I keep thinking, "What if there's TWO babies in there?!"  I'll freak out!  I'll be super happy, of course, but fairly freaked out nonetheless.  Basically, my mind is a constant tumult of "what if..." questions.  It's all I can do to stop myself from testing nonstop (but, quite frankly, the lack of a bathroom at my house is a major deterrant).  My problem is that we tried to hard to get pregnant with this child, and I love him or her so much already, that the idea of something going wrong is just heart breaking.

I know that I'm probably freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever.  I know that God alone created this child and He is all-knowing and all-powerful.  I know that He only gives us what we can handle.  I know that I can't fix anything by worrying even for a second.  I know all these things, but I feel like I'm needing a constant reminder about it.  I'm catching myself freaking out over whatever and having to say, "Chill out!"  I just pray that God will do whatever He sees fit with this pregnancy (and that it's also what I want. LOL), and that He will give me the strength to handle whatever is thrown at us. 

My most recent freak-out-worthy thing (because I know you want to know): what I can and can't eat.  Obviously, I cut out caffeine as soon as I saw that second line.  But, what about when it hits Fall and we go to the apple orchard?  Can I have apple cider?  What about soft serve ice cream?  I love me some DQ blizzards!  Lunchmeat?  I love Subway!  Granted, I'd happily give up these items for this child that I have prayed so hard for, but so many of these things just sound totally off the wall!  My mom had never even heard of the lunchmeat/soft serve thing, and she's been pregnant as recently as 5 years ago!  Sheesh!  So, that's what I'm freaking out about recently.  I think I ate a blizzard during my two week wait, and I know I ate at subway and got a sub from the deli case at walmart!  Ugh!

(This whole thing makes Nick and me think of the scene from Knocked Up where he says, "I'm gonna be sitting on the trampoline smoking crack, and you won't have anything to do!"  lol)

Also, I know I shoudln't be dieting, per se, while I'm pregnant, but, being a fluffy gal naturally, how much do I really need to gain.  Can I, like, not gain any weight?  I worked so hard to take it off, I will have a panic attack if I see the number go back up!  Haha!  I plan to keep track of WW points still and go to the YMCA or walk, so hopefully it will all be good.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I have no doubt you'll hear more as the weeks and months progress.

3 comments:

Mrs Bee May 17, 2010 at 1:01 AM  

You are allowed to be nervous!

I'm praying that you have a sticky baby(ies) !!

I've never heard of the soft serve thing?

Sending you lots of love!

xx

Brenda May 17, 2010 at 9:21 AM  

You are going to be just fine. where are you getting these weird food theories??? Not that I'm an expert :) Praying for you and LOVE you much!!! And I love baby Brenda already-HA!

Alisha May 19, 2010 at 8:59 PM  

I nominated you for an award!

http://dellsdailydish.blogspot.com/2010/05/id-like-to-thank-academy.html