Thursday, September 3, 2009

*This Could Get Depressing, You've Been Warned!*

I'm not feeling like myself. It's hard to explain. Between people I know getting pregnant, shelling out $400 for an unsuccessful cycle (infertility coverage, my behind!), realizing that said infertility is coming up on 3 years in length, I'm having a hard time being my usual, upbeat self.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the people who are expecting, I really am! I don't think people should stop having kids until I can catch up, or anything. (Although...) However, it is hard when I realize that, while I'm still trying to attain my first viable pregnancy, some uber-fertile women are on their second or third. Add to that the fact that some of these women are having their babies in less-than-perfect situations, and I have a hard time not wallowing in my own self-pity.

However, in times like this, I am extra-thankful for Asher. While I realize that I may never be blessed with my own birth children, I am still blessed beyond words to have him in my life.

Have I reached the point where I can honestly say I'd be happy just having Nick and Asher in my little family? Not quite yet. I think about the scene toward the end of "Facing the Giants" (have you seen that? You should!) where the wife has just gotten done at the doctor and found out she's not pregnant. She's praying while getting into her truck and says she's realized that she CAN be happy without children. She's crying, and of course, the audience is crying. (I seriously start crying at the beginning of that movie and just never stop. It's terrible.) Anyway, my point is, I haven't reached that point. How do I get there? Does it just take a lot of time? I REALLY hope this doesn't go on long enough for me to have to think that way.

I get down-trodden thinking that I may never get the joy of buying Asher an "I'm the Big Brother" shirt. Or get to slip an ultrasound picture nonchalantly into a Christmas card to give to new grandparents. Or see the joy on the faces of my husband and son as they feel a baby kicking within my womb. Or that I may never get to see Nick hold a brand-new baby in his strong arms--a tiny baby we created together.

Unfortunately, these are the things I've been thinking about recently, and I wish I could make it stop.


Brenda September 3, 2009 at 1:36 PM  

I am upping the prayer power girl! I totally love your honesty and I hope it's providing an "out" for you to express your true feelings. Sometimes just bringing things to the light helps. Waiting on God is so hard sometimes. If you get a chance to read Anne Graham Lotz's new book Magnificent Obsession I highly recommend it. I'm on the 2nd time through which I never do! I'm waiting on the Lord myself for several things and I pretty much hate it :) He keeps asking me this question, "What if I was enough for you?" It's really gotten into my soul and about made me crazy. Of course we know He's more than enough, but it's still hard!! I love you!

Heidi September 3, 2009 at 6:27 PM  

You know I feel the exact same as you do. I pray everyday, but it is human to struggle. It gets harder and harder for me each time someone I know becomes pregnant. The miracle of conceiving is something that I obsess about every, single day. I love you and I pray for your miracle all of the time.

Anonymous September 3, 2009 at 8:43 PM  

Thanks, girls. You have no idea how much it means to me that you're both praying! (((Hugs!)))

lindsaycox September 4, 2009 at 1:12 PM  

i am so there with you krystal... adopting does not make the desire to bear children go away! i am praying for you too... this is a hard road we are walking... brenda i do like to think that god is enough for me and that is what gets me through each day for HIM... thanks for the reminder!