Day 4: A Stranger

I don't know this guy, but I love his cat!

Day 3: Hands

Day 2: Words

The bulletin board in the play room.  We've been working on a letter per week.  This week's is "K"!

Photo a Day February-Day 1

I know quite a few bloggers participating in this this month, so I thought I'd join along (one of them is my Mom.  She's awesome and insightful and will probably be way more interesting to follow this month than I will be. Check her out HERE!)  

I know it's been long time, no blog around here and I'm sorry.  I can't really guarantee that after this month it will get any better, but at least for awhile you'll all be graced by my blog presence. *eye roll*

So, for Day 1: My View Today

If I were to take a picture of my view for most of the afternoon, it would be my feet in a recliner with How I Met Your Mother on the tv.  That's not very exciting.  Neither is looking at the neighbor's houses if I were to take a picture of my outdoor view.  So, this was my view this evening:

Nick and Asher doing school while I did dishes

And my Latte, favorite cat (don't tell the others).

Wow.

It's been almost 4 months since I've written on here.

I sign in daily and read the blogs I follow. I look at that "last posted on" date and think to myself, "Huh. I should maybe do something about that." Then, I don't. I read the blogs, sign out, and go on about my day.

Truth is, I feel like there's nothing to say. I mean, sure, there's a lot going on, but does it even interest anyone?

We're at a standstill, infertility-wise. Not agreeing on the next step= no next step until an agreement can be made.

The funny thing is, the world keeps going on. While I'm sitting here watching everyone I know move on with their lives, I feel like I'm stuck. As I see more and more pregnancy announcements in real life and on facebook, it hardly affects me any more, just a shrug of the shoulders, and a vague memory of when that would send me headlong into tears and a pity party. While that sounds like it might be a good thing, "Oh! You're dealing with it! You're moving forward!" I'm not sure that's the case. I think it's more a numbness that has moved in. A defense mechanism, really. What is a body to do when assaulted regularly by reminders of something it has fought tooth and nail to do only to fail over and over again? Shut down. Not let it affect you. Don't give any time to that darkness that threatens to creep in. Throw yourself into something else.

What have I been re-routing my efforts into, you ask? Well, almost 9 weeks ago, we got a foster placement. A two-week-old baby was placed with us temporarily while the foster family she was supposed to go to got their licensure straightened out. She is a sweet, sweet baby. She is a cuddle-bug, and is starting to sleep longer at night--a fact for which we are very thankful. Everyone one in our family loves her.

Anyway, long story short, what was supposed to be a 3-4 week placement has turned into "Maybe she will be moved there by the end of October. Maybe." Don't get me wrong, we love having her. If they asked me right now, "Hey! You want to keep her?" I'd look at them like they'd grown a second head and say, "Duh!" However, since we know she is going elsewhere, I wish they would hurry up and get it done. The longer she is with us, the more it will really suck when she leaves.

You know the worst part? Seeing how much Nick loves her. I watch him with her and see how he lights up when she smiles at him. I see how he talks to her and cuddles her and sleeps with her next to him on the couch and it breaks my heart. My sorrow is twofold: First, she will be leaving soon. What is it going to do to him when she leaves? How will he react when he realizes that his best friend's baby is the same age as she is? They were born a day apart, and he is going to watch her grow up and remember daily that she isn't with us any more.

Second, he is experiencing with her something I may never be able to give him. I may never get to see him cuddle and coo and smile at a baby that we know won't be moved elsewhere. I may never get to watch him as he learns the ins and outs of newborn care with a baby that looks like us.

The whole situation dredges up feelings that I always try to bury. Why can crack-heads, child-abusers, and every other person who has no business having children have baby after baby with no problem, when no amount of work on my part can get it done? Sometimes, it actually feels like a physical pain. It's like seeing her with him tears open, again and again, the wound that is trying to heal from a miscarriage and nearly 5 years of infertility.

Let me make clear that I don't blame her for any of this. None of this is her fault. We have been blessed to take care of her and help her in the part of her life where she's been the most helpless and required the most work. While I know she won't remember us, I hope she grows up to be a healthy, well-adjusted woman partly because of the care we have given her.

So, there you have it. A long blog-absence, and an explanation for part of it.

One Year

It occured to me last week that we were coming up on the "anniversary" of finding out we'd miscarried.  I wasn't for sure of the actual date, but the 24th was sticking in my head for some reason.  So, I went back in my  blog and sure enough, today's the day.  It's actually not as difficult as my would-be due date was.  I think I'll be able to avoid the water works today, which is more than could be said of January 17th. 

Mostly, today just makes me angry.  It's been a year since I've been pregnant.  I've done 5 medicated cycles and had a few on my own and we can't seem to get the job done again.  We got pregnant on our first femara/follistim cycle (and even got it done without the assitance of an IUI!).  We've since done 3 IUIs and 2 not-IUIs (one against medical advice...hehehe), yet my body won't cooperate.  It makes me wonder if we "missed" our chance.  I mean, were those 10+ weeks the only pregnancy I will ever know?  I sincerely hope not.  I always had the hope that I'd be pregnant by the due date to take the sting away from it a bit.  When that didn't happen, I set my sights on getting pregnant to be due around the due date next year.  Didn't happen.  Now, everything just feels hopeless.  I've got an empty (and evidently stupid) uterus and nothing to show for my 4 1/2 years of infertility except a medical bill file 6 inches thick. 

Yet, it seems we're coming to a crossroads.  My RE clinic doesn't do GIFT.  In fact, the nurse I spoke with said most clinics are getting away from doing it because they've gotten so good at IVF that it's not worth the extra risk of general anesthesia required to do it. (If you don't know what GIFT is, click here.)  I'm sure there are places to do it, as it is the only assited reproduction techonology past an IUI that's "ok" for Catholics to do (or for those who have insurance chosen for them by Catholics, like people who work for the hospital I work at...luckily, I have Nick's insurance.).  The issue is, I work 40 hours a week of night shift.  It's hard enough to get to Iowa City (about 2 hours away) for appointments when I'm cycling, I can't even imagine if I have to go 3+ hours away because I need to do something not offered closer to home.  I don't know what to do.

I also talked to Nick about embryo adoption, which he said he'd think about.  I've always thought it was a super cool idea and I read a couple of blogs of people who have done it.  Obviously, I'd love to have a child that is biologically mine and Nick's.  I don't want it to seem like adopted children are second class citizens or sub-par to biological children (remember, I have an adopted child and adopted siblings and one of my best friends was adopted...I'm all about it!), but I have a very deep desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth and be able to say to people "She has Nick's ears!" or "I totally have a freckle there, too!"  It just seems like I may not get to see that desire fulfilled.  If I have to see one more negative pregnancy test (accompanied by the look of hurt and disappointment in my husband's eyes) or hear Asher tell me "it will be ok, Mama" as I cry into my cereal bowl, I think I'll freak out.

Why can't this just be easy?

Another negative.

We had the best count for an IUI we've ever had and I still couldn't get it done.

We're at the end of the IUI road.

We need to figure out our next steps.  IVF isn't what we want to do. 

Does anyone know anything about GIFT?